the REAL me.

Today is my birthday. Just yesterday, i was pretty excited. But it turned out to be a rather uneventful day. I could say I never expected my birthday to be this boring, considering that I've already ORD. In fact, the day turned out to be quite sad. I don't even think I can maintain my sense of humour, so I shall drop it altogether for this entry.

I remember how in Hot Fuzz, Sergeant Angel was explaining why "traffic accidents" have been renamed to "traffic collisions", because the use of the word "accident" would imply that it is not due to human error.

The reason why I'm quite sad is because of the dragon boating accident that occurred a few days ago. Today's news confirmed that all the 5 bodies that have been found belong to the 5 missing members of the national dragon boat team. And I've been deeply affected by this.

In fact, this entry is actually dedicated to the 5 of them who've passed on because of this accident. I don't really know if this can be considered an "accident" according to Sergeant Angel's explanation, since additional safety measures could have been put in place. But it's usually too late after the tragedy has struck.

I remember how our school dragon boat team sometimes trained without wearing life vests either. Nobody ever expects dragon boats to capsize. Besides, paddling while wearing life vests is one of the most uncomfortable things that one can experience. To be honest, I hated wearing life vest while paddling too, but there were times I did get a little nervous when the boat rocked more than normal.

Recently, I've been reading the dragon ball manga. It made me think about the use of a time machine to change the past, to set things right. Also, if people die, all you have to do is wish them back wit the dragon balls. But this isn't the case with real life, is it? Once you're gone.. You're gone.

I wonder if it's a good thing or a bad one to die while doing something you love. Being an avid lover of the sport myself, I really feel terrible for them. Dragon boating is a sport that requires much discipline and commitment. Training to become a good paddler isn't something that can be accomplished in a matter of days. But just because of this one incident, all the training.. ends. I wouldn't say the training is wasted, because they were definitely doing something they loved. But, for it all to end like this, along with other hopes and dreams, it really is a pity.

Yesterday, while the news reported that the search was still ongoing, i was praying that they'll be safe. Dragon boaters are one of the strongest people around, and that should increase their chances of survival. At least that's what I told myself. Lied to myself, rather. Deep down, I knew that almost all hope is lost once a few hours is past.

Although I don't know those 5 guys personally, I suppose they must be a special someone in their own way. All of them are so young, and had a great future ahead of them. The video at the top of this entry is an original arrangement of the theme of Parasite Eve by Reuben Kee, one of the deceased. Got the link from his personal website, after seeing his profile on Facebook, because I recognized him from Chian's photos. A dragon boater who was also a very talented musician. I don't really know much about the other 4 deceased, because I never chanced upon their profiles, but I'm sure they had their own unique talents and were great assets to our society.

I haven't talked to Chian about this incident yet. Although I haven't been very close to him, but I know how heart wrenching this whole thing must be for him. Since I'm not too good at consoling people, I suppose I shouldn't bother him for now. I'm glad that at least he's safe.

So now I'm pondering about life after death. What if one day I were to pass before my time was up too? Will I still be able to enjoy the music that I love in the afterlife? Will there still be happiness for me? Or will it all cease to exist, along with me? One thing I've learned from this incident, is that life is a wonderful thing. We may forget this along the way, but one should never give up on it. I've thought many times that my life is very bitter, but in retrospect, I'm now glad I have a life to be bitter about. I am in no way mocking the dead, but I believe each and every one of us who can read this right now should wake up and stop lamenting about our little problems. May the deceased rest in peace.
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As I was walking out towards the MRT station this evening, I passed by a man who was taking a photo of the sky. A little distance away was another man doing the same thing, and a few other random people looking up at the sky. So, the kaypo-ness inside me caused me to turn my head and take a look, and to my surprise, there was a rainbow in the sky. Not the kind that seems far off into the horizon, but it was actually towering over the HDB flats, a magnificent sight indeed.

It was right then that I had the urge to whip out a camera and take a photo of the rainbow. But to my dismay, I did not bring my camera out. And neither do I have a camera phone, so I couldn't even take a half decent photo of the rainbow. It was then that I began lamenting why I have yet to change my phone.

And then at that moment, I just thought of this song, 知足 by 五月天. Go ahead, play the video and listen to the first line of the song. Basically, it's a song about how sometimes, we try so hard to achieve what is out of our reach, when we should actually be contented with what we have. I think there's a Confucian teaching along this line, that says the measure of happiness for a person isn't about how much one possesses, but how one views what he/she possesses.

This was probably the second of third time of my life where I've seen a rainbow through my own eyes, not from photographs or videos. Perhaps, instead of having wanted to keep a long lasting memory of the rainbow, I should have been contented to have chanced upon it.

It's the same thing with happiness. Sometimes I longed for more happiness, or that my fleeting moment of happiness would last longer, but maybe I should treasure the happiness that I already have. And count the little blessings I get in life, and draw contentment, and happiness, from it all.

Yet it's all a very contradictory sort of thing. Aspirations and contentment seems to be a mutually exclusive pair. I suppose I have too great aspirations for myself to be contented with what I have. It's a strange thing. I like to believe that there's a greater purpose for my existence. That I am meant to achieve more. Yet once I start pondering about it, I lose confidence. Imagine if the billions of people in the world shared my view. Imagine if everyone wanted to be as successful as, say.. our MM Lee, or someone of similar importance. Obviously, not everyone is meant to be as successful as they hope to be.

Yet that does not mean that I shall resign to my fate and let destiny decide my path. True, I do believe that there's such a thing as destiny. Yet I believe in each individual's responsibility in playing an active role in shaping his/her own. It's not as if throwing everything to chance will ever come to fruition. Hence I have come to this conclusion: Aim to be the best that you can be, yet do not fret if you do not achieve what you had hoped for, and be contented with what you have gained in the process. As they say, it is the journey, and not the destination, that matters.
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