Sunday, February 27, 2011
Raison D'être.
My reason for existence. I seem to have lost it today.
It's funny how I'm posting now, after the blog went silent for almost 2 years. All this while, there have been many situations that prompted me to blog. Usually in times of great emotions, when feelings were overflowing in my heart. But none of them as great as what I feel today, at this point in time.
I actually looked at my last post before writing this one. What a long time it has been. That was after my 1st ever MR500. And my next MR500 (my 3rd one) is less than 3 weeks away. Looking at that post, I really never expected myself to be where I am now.
I'm not saying that I've gotten very far in this aspect of my life. It's just that, things have turned out very different from the way I've expected them to. Back in year 2, when almost all my batch mates left the team, I had almost wanted to do the same. But I sought strength from the rest who persisted, and the rest, as they say, is history.
But looking from where I stand now, I realized.. I'm not really anywhere. I happened to be sifting through old SMSes on my hand phone, and came across this one from Sahfahri back in Feb 2009:
"Hey bro have faith in yourself. Let's be e biggest in e team. Haha. Cya thurs:)"
I can't remember what we were talking about. Probably about the upcoming MR500 back then. I didn't remember keeping this SMS, but I know why I did. Like a few other SMSes on my current phone, this one is stored on my SIM card, legacies from my old phone. I keep all these SMSes to remind myself of important things that happened in my life. I may have forgotten about this SMS, but never have I forgotten about the desire to keep getting stronger.
But now, as I said, I realize I don't seem to be anywhere. We just had a fitness test this weekend. I know my results are not entirely horrible, but I expected much more from myself. It does seem like great expectations lead to great disappointment.
I guess much of the disappointment stems from the fact that most of my peers outperform me. Despite having put your best into training, the improvements don't seem to justify the effort. Perhaps this was how my ex-roommates felt?
I seriously feel weak. And it's not the same as those times when people say I'm smart and I say I'm not, when I know I actually am, by normal standards. YES, I FINALLY ADMIT I AM SMART. But so what? It's not something I want to be known for.
When people know you are smart, the usual outcome is that they'll make use of you to help them with studies. But I'm fine with that. I like helping people with their studies anyway. Heck. I like helping people in general. I believe that everyone has a part to play in making this world a nicer place. Which is why I hate people who make life inconvenient for others.
I digressed. Anyway, the truth is, for the past 2 years of my life, I have been focusing all my efforts in dragon boat. All I've wanted was to be a good coxswain. And I did get recognized by peers for that ability. But now my attention has shifted to being a good paddler. But it seems so hard. My strength isn't "there". Neither is my endurance. Nor my technique. Not to mention my stamina. So what do I have? Nothing.
So far, it doesn't seem like this post has anything to do with my reason for existence. I have always pondered about this issue; about why I exist. But I figured there are still many things in life I've yet to understand, so my raison d'être will be to give my best in life and pursue my dreams, until I understand the purpose of life. But now my dream seems so far away. Is it really still something feasible for me?
This isn't the first time I've had self-doubt, and I've managed to overcome them every time. But today just seems different. I tried listening to a whole bunch of encouraging songs on my way home, something I always do when I am in need of encouragement, but they did little to help today. And I felt so bad, such that I hardly did any revision for my mid-term test tomorrow.
Being in a total loss right now, there doesn't seem to be much I can do, except hope that this feeling will wear off. The only thing I can do for now will be to train harder tomorrow. Let's hope that the next time I blog about this, I can be proud of where I stand..
0 comments
It's funny how I'm posting now, after the blog went silent for almost 2 years. All this while, there have been many situations that prompted me to blog. Usually in times of great emotions, when feelings were overflowing in my heart. But none of them as great as what I feel today, at this point in time.
I actually looked at my last post before writing this one. What a long time it has been. That was after my 1st ever MR500. And my next MR500 (my 3rd one) is less than 3 weeks away. Looking at that post, I really never expected myself to be where I am now.
I'm not saying that I've gotten very far in this aspect of my life. It's just that, things have turned out very different from the way I've expected them to. Back in year 2, when almost all my batch mates left the team, I had almost wanted to do the same. But I sought strength from the rest who persisted, and the rest, as they say, is history.
But looking from where I stand now, I realized.. I'm not really anywhere. I happened to be sifting through old SMSes on my hand phone, and came across this one from Sahfahri back in Feb 2009:
"Hey bro have faith in yourself. Let's be e biggest in e team. Haha. Cya thurs:)"
I can't remember what we were talking about. Probably about the upcoming MR500 back then. I didn't remember keeping this SMS, but I know why I did. Like a few other SMSes on my current phone, this one is stored on my SIM card, legacies from my old phone. I keep all these SMSes to remind myself of important things that happened in my life. I may have forgotten about this SMS, but never have I forgotten about the desire to keep getting stronger.
But now, as I said, I realize I don't seem to be anywhere. We just had a fitness test this weekend. I know my results are not entirely horrible, but I expected much more from myself. It does seem like great expectations lead to great disappointment.
I guess much of the disappointment stems from the fact that most of my peers outperform me. Despite having put your best into training, the improvements don't seem to justify the effort. Perhaps this was how my ex-roommates felt?
I seriously feel weak. And it's not the same as those times when people say I'm smart and I say I'm not, when I know I actually am, by normal standards. YES, I FINALLY ADMIT I AM SMART. But so what? It's not something I want to be known for.
When people know you are smart, the usual outcome is that they'll make use of you to help them with studies. But I'm fine with that. I like helping people with their studies anyway. Heck. I like helping people in general. I believe that everyone has a part to play in making this world a nicer place. Which is why I hate people who make life inconvenient for others.
I digressed. Anyway, the truth is, for the past 2 years of my life, I have been focusing all my efforts in dragon boat. All I've wanted was to be a good coxswain. And I did get recognized by peers for that ability. But now my attention has shifted to being a good paddler. But it seems so hard. My strength isn't "there". Neither is my endurance. Nor my technique. Not to mention my stamina. So what do I have? Nothing.
So far, it doesn't seem like this post has anything to do with my reason for existence. I have always pondered about this issue; about why I exist. But I figured there are still many things in life I've yet to understand, so my raison d'être will be to give my best in life and pursue my dreams, until I understand the purpose of life. But now my dream seems so far away. Is it really still something feasible for me?
This isn't the first time I've had self-doubt, and I've managed to overcome them every time. But today just seems different. I tried listening to a whole bunch of encouraging songs on my way home, something I always do when I am in need of encouragement, but they did little to help today. And I felt so bad, such that I hardly did any revision for my mid-term test tomorrow.
Being in a total loss right now, there doesn't seem to be much I can do, except hope that this feeling will wear off. The only thing I can do for now will be to train harder tomorrow. Let's hope that the next time I blog about this, I can be proud of where I stand..
0 comments
