the REAL me.

Raison D'être.

2011-02-27T20:02:00.002+08:00

My reason for existence. I seem to have lost it today.

It's funny how I'm posting now, after the blog went silent for almost 2 years. All this while, there have been many situations that prompted me to blog. Usually in times of great emotions, when feelings were overflowing in my heart. But none of them as great as what I feel today, at this point in time.

I actually looked at my last post before writing this one. What a long time it has been. That was after my 1st ever MR500. And my next MR500 (my 3rd one) is less than 3 weeks away. Looking at that post, I really never expected myself to be where I am now.

I'm not saying that I've gotten very far in this aspect of my life. It's just that, things have turned out very different from the way I've expected them to. Back in year 2, when almost all my batch mates left the team, I had almost wanted to do the same. But I sought strength from the rest who persisted, and the rest, as they say, is history.

But looking from where I stand now, I realized.. I'm not really anywhere. I happened to be sifting through old SMSes on my hand phone, and came across this one from Sahfahri back in Feb 2009:

"Hey bro have faith in yourself. Let's be e biggest in e team. Haha. Cya thurs:)"

I can't remember what we were talking about. Probably about the upcoming MR500 back then. I didn't remember keeping this SMS, but I know why I did. Like a few other SMSes on my current phone, this one is stored on my SIM card, legacies from my old phone. I keep all these SMSes to remind myself of important things that happened in my life. I may have forgotten about this SMS, but never have I forgotten about the desire to keep getting stronger.

But now, as I said, I realize I don't seem to be anywhere. We just had a fitness test this weekend. I know my results are not entirely horrible, but I expected much more from myself. It does seem like great expectations lead to great disappointment.

I guess much of the disappointment stems from the fact that most of my peers outperform me. Despite having put your best into training, the improvements don't seem to justify the effort. Perhaps this was how my ex-roommates felt?

I seriously feel weak. And it's not the same as those times when people say I'm smart and I say I'm not, when I know I actually am, by normal standards. YES, I FINALLY ADMIT I AM SMART. But so what? It's not something I want to be known for.

When people know you are smart, the usual outcome is that they'll make use of you to help them with studies. But I'm fine with that. I like helping people with their studies anyway. Heck. I like helping people in general. I believe that everyone has a part to play in making this world a nicer place. Which is why I hate people who make life inconvenient for others.

I digressed. Anyway, the truth is, for the past 2 years of my life, I have been focusing all my efforts in dragon boat. All I've wanted was to be a good coxswain. And I did get recognized by peers for that ability. But now my attention has shifted to being a good paddler. But it seems so hard. My strength isn't "there". Neither is my endurance. Nor my technique. Not to mention my stamina. So what do I have? Nothing.

So far, it doesn't seem like this post has anything to do with my reason for existence. I have always pondered about this issue; about why I exist. But I figured there are still many things in life I've yet to understand, so my raison d'être will be to give my best in life and pursue my dreams, until I understand the purpose of life. But now my dream seems so far away. Is it really still something feasible for me?

This isn't the first time I've had self-doubt, and I've managed to overcome them every time. But today just seems different. I tried listening to a whole bunch of encouraging songs on my way home, something I always do when I am in need of encouragement, but they did little to help today. And I felt so bad, such that I hardly did any revision for my mid-term test tomorrow.

Being in a total loss right now, there doesn't seem to be much I can do, except hope that this feeling will wear off. The only thing I can do for now will be to train harder tomorrow. Let's hope that the next time I blog about this, I can be proud of where I stand..

Just Kidding.

2009-03-31T14:39:00.003+08:00

First off, let me just rant a little about what happened over the weekend. Of course, the highlight of my entire weekend was MR500. It was the first time I ever coxed in a race, and probably one of the last few times I'll ever get to row in a race again.

I'm really proud of our team, especially boat B. We've improved much over the past months, and I'm truly amazed by what boat B was capable of. Though the event was truncated due to inclement weather, it was still great, as we had the opportunity to see where we stand now. And there is much hope for the future.

But it's amazing how my mood can swing between extremes within such short periods of time. I was extremely elated by the end of MR500, yet.. now, I'm starting to have doubts. Really... Sometimes, I guess it's not a good idea to have such a powerful information satellite. It's nice to get to know some things that others don't know, but other times, it's saddening to know what's going on backstage. Especially when you accidentally find out what people are saying about you / doing to you behind your back.

I had such a firm belief in our team, about how bonded we are, especially within my own batch. Yet.. when I accidentally found out certain things, my belief was shaken. Not entirely crumbled, or at least not yet, but.. I really don't know if anything anyone says is true anymore.

"You did a great job coxing for that set!"
"You've improved alot over the past few months."
"Your biceps are damn big lah!"
"At first I thought that you were quite annoying, but then actually your feedback is usually quite constructive."

All those and many other things that you guys have said.. I don't even know if I should believe any of those anymore. But it's really ironic. The fact that I'm actually being affected by all these just shows one thing: I care about what they think of me. Despite things having happened without my knowledge, I still care. I guess that's the heart that Darren has always been talking about. Using your heart to row for your brothers on the boat, for all these guys important to you.

***************************

Laptop ran out of battery, so I had it shut down and went for training. And I felt much better after training. I guess, I thought too much, like what Pong said last time. I guess I'm just too sensitive. In the past, I used to not care what others thought of me, as long as I knew I was doing what's right. But I guess the environment has changed me. And the truth is, I knew that almost everyone on the team just likes to poke fun at each other. No point taking each other too seriously, I guess.

But still, there are certain people.. not necessarily from the team, but just a general observation about people around me.. who try to pretend that they did not mean what they said by adding "Just kidding!" after their comment, which is usually negative at the very least, if not derogatory.

"Walao! This kind of simple question also don't know how to do?... Just kidding!"
"The stroke pull until like that, should might as well be coxswain... Just kidding!"

And the list goes on.. But I don't want to point fingers. It's really not a very nice thing to do when it's obvious that you actually meant what you initially said, and is simply trying to cover it up by throwing those 2 words. And my Keng Swee watch mates from OBS should remember this: I hate hypocrites. Enough said.

Dependence.

2009-03-25T22:06:00.002+08:00

I came across this quite long ago, probably from an email or something, and I guess it's interesting enough for me to remember it until now. Initially wanted to blog it together with the post on Valentine's Day, but unfortunately forgot.

In everyone's life, there will always be four people that you come across:
1. Your first love.
2. The person you loved the most.
3. The person who loved you the most.
4. The person whom you spend the rest of your life with.

But for most people, the 4 will usually not be the same person. I guess for me, I've met 1, who is definitely not 2, and I've yet to come across 3 or 4. And perhaps there will be someone along the way who replaces 2. Though that will always remain a mystery until my dying day.

Speaking of my dying day, I'm reminded of the song Come What May from the movie Moulin Rouge. I haven't really seen the movie properly. Didn't pay attention to it when we were watching at my friend's house, until the last part, which was.. really touching. And the song is really.. sad. It's not a song with a catchy melody or enchanting lyrics, but it's still a really good song. Very appropriate for the movie.

Having said all those stuff above, I just have a simple point for this post. Sometimes, it's scary to grow close to people. You become dependent on them, without realizing it. And someday, inevitably, you will part. Sometimes I think it would be really good to have a special someone, whom you can turn to when it seems as if you can't shoulder the weight of the world anymore. Yet.. opening yourself up may possibly result in despair at the end of the day.

3 days to MR500. Time to see how much I've improved over the past 3 months, in terms of coxing. And we'll be able to witness how much we've improved as a team.

And by the way, don't read too much into the last line of the previous post. It doesn't really mean anything significant. Not anymore, anyway.

Faith. Belief. Trust.

2009-03-20T12:15:00.002+08:00

Okay this post is really long overdue. I initially wanted to blog about this immediately after OBS, but have been so busy with school. I probably should be attempting my CS or MA lab right now, but I shall just squeeze in a blog post.

OBS had been a really fruitful journey for me. I learnt many new things there, and most importantly, is now much more closely bonded to my team mates. One of things I gained through the course was to have more FBT in my team mates. Faith. Belief. Trust.

Although I've always known I was a perfectionist, I'd been quite.. oblivious to the impact my actions might have had on others. By attempting to take things into my own hands so that the results will not be below my expectations, I had actually been robbing others of their rights and undermining their ability to perform.

But after the course, I now understand how important it is to have FBT in the people around me, especially my team mates. There's only so much within my control as a coxswain. At the end of the day, I need the strength of the rowers to bring us through the finishing line.

And to that, I also do hope all the rowers will have faith that I will do my job well as a coxswain. Although I do have to admit that my coxing ability isn't top notch yet.. But I'm still learning as much as I can every training. I can't give anything but my best, because I know of the high hopes pinned on me.. And I must not let my brothers down..

But unfortunately, I had to injure my back now. Probably a sprain or something, but I can't bend forward at all. And there's only 1 week left to MR500. I really hope I can recover in time. If not, even coxing will be a problem.

I've been listening to Way Back Into Love on repeat for the past hour. Will be borrowing the Music And Lyrics DVD from Alwyn next week. The story sounds touching, and the song is beautiful. And I do hope I'm not imagining things this time..

All Out Of Love.

2009-02-14T21:26:00.002+08:00

I'd love to post the original version by Air Supply, but unfortunately I can't embed the video, so if you wish, please visit the YouTube page. Also, you may wish to enjoy the cover by Westlife and Delta Goodrem in the video above too.

Anyway, I still vividly remember this incident during my stint in Starhub. A customer was inquiring on her connecting tone a.k.a. Call Tones, which was the song All Out Of Love by Air Supply. She was rather.. horrified when she found out that the connecting tone was expiring on her birthday. She then continued to explain to me how that song meant so much to her and it must not expire on her birthday.

So I then tried to teach her how to renew the connecting tone, but failed to do so because she was too unfamiliar with the interface. She then pleaded (no kidding, she sounded really desperate) for me to help her renew it on my end. And of course, how could I refuse?

So after I completed the good deed, she thanked me profusely, and reiterated how important that song was to her. And the next thing that came was totally unexpected. She asked if I had a girlfriend, to which I obviously answered no. And then she proceeded to wish me good luck in love. And the call ended there.

After that, I thought about what traumatic experience she must have been through, such that this is the most important song in her life. I told this incident to some friends and one of them commented that it's funny how she's so persistent in ensuring it remains as her connecting tone, when it's the callers who hear the song and not her.

But either case, it seems that the good luck she wished upon me didn't have much effect, which should be pretty obvious from the fact that I'm blogging right now. And, it seems to me that my life may end up like that customer's after all.

It was, on a Thursday probably 3 weeks ago, when I got rather emo. And then I don't know why, but I suddenly started thinking of her. It's been almost 6 years now.. And yet, I still can't forget her. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

There's so much that I want to tell her, but yet.. I know I can't. I'd rather she be happy, instead of knowing that someone is thinking of her. I guess how I feel can be summed up by my favourite song from 五月天 Mayday, 《听不到》:

But after not having close contact with her for so long, I realize how little I know about her now. And I believe she probably had an enjoyable time with a significant other today. But the best part is, I don't even know if that significant other exists. How nice.

I guess it's supposed to be embarrassing to say all these here. But, I guess it's good for me to chronicle how I spent Valentine's Day this year. Other than having a hot and sweaty session with 30 guys in the morning in a 船 (not 床), of course. And, I guess she probably won't be reading all these, since I'm not really of any importance to her, I guess. And even if she does end up reading this, I hope she won't realize I'm talking about her. She probably wouldn't. And in the meantime, I shall continue listening to All Out Of Love..

Kindness.

2009-02-06T16:47:00.003+08:00

So there was this point in time when there was the topic: What makes us Singaporean? One of the things I believe is unique to Singapore is our array of courtesy campaigns. From the Singa the Courtesy Lion in the past, it has evolved into the Singapore Kindness Movement this year. But truly, if a country as advanced as Singapore needs campaigns to remind its citizens of how to act, I think there's seriously something horribly wrong with the ethics and morals of our society.

Exactly one week ago, I was at the Arts canteen queuing up to buy a waffle. So it came to the point when I was second in line, waiting for the girl in front of me to collect her order. And out of nowhere, this guy appeared beside me and asked, "Hi, I just want to buy a few curry puffs, so is it okay if you just let me go first?"

I found myself in an unexpected situation and it took me a second or two before I could process the question and generate an appropriate output and finally out came the reply: "No". And in case you were wondering, I made it sound in a very "duh" kind of way.

And it's no surprise that I was rudely shocked when I heard his reply: "No?"

I mean, did he expect me to say yes? I guess he did. But that reaction from him was totally uncalled for. And then I gave him a very stern reply, "NO". (And yes, this time I showed some frustration in my tone.) And then he quietly went to join the back of the queue.

So the question is, why did he believe that I should let him enjoy the privilege of cutting the queue, when there were quite a few people waiting to get their food behind me? At first I was thinking if I should allow him to do so, but then I figured there's no reason why I should. Firstly, he's not underprivileged. It's not as if he was physically handicapped and would be distressed from queuing. Neither was he doing the society a favour by buying food for the elderly, or something along the lines of benefiting the less fortunate. Well, I might have relented if he was female, but, too bad..

I believe it is one thing to expect people to be kind to you, and another to expect others to bestow undue privileges upon you, when you clearly do not deserve any form of special treatment that may induce others to suffer instead, i.e. DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH. And if you do wish to expect more than you deserve, then don't make it so obvious when you don't get privileged. People will get pissed off and blog about you.

But that's considered quite a mild case. At least he didn't purposely try to piss anyone off, but was simply thinking of making things convenient for himself and neglected others in the process. There was a really horrible incident I encountered a few months ago, in which the perpetrator had no shame at all whatsoever.

So I was on an MRT train a few months back. There was this humongous, gargantuan, obese fat woman whom, obviously having failed at birth control, did not bother educating her children at all.

She had a child in a pram, while another 2 were seated. However, one of the two who were seated kept playing and having fun on the train by swinging around on the pole. He ended up hitting a lady numerous times while swinging around. At first, the lady just took a glance at the child and ignored the little nuisance, but after the little brat child failed to practise self-control after some time, the lady glared at him. The boy, seemingly frightened, ran to the side of the elephantine woman his mother and cowered in fear.

The next thing you would expect in such a situation would be for the mother to apologize on behalf of her son for the misdemeanor. So you can guess how appalled I was when I heard her tell the lady, "Why? People cannot bang you, is it? Don't want people bang you then take taxi lah!" I was DISGUSTED. Totally.

There was also another time, also on an MRT train, when there was a mother who blatantly gave her son, who was in a pram, a packet of potato chips to munch on. I think it's already bad enough how some teenagers enjoy their food on the train so conspicuously. And here's a mother in front of me who condoned such actions. I actually took a photo of the scene and wanted to post it online, but ended up deciding against it, since it wouldn't be very nice of me. Not that the mother deserved better, but still, I guess it wasn't as if she was committing some major crime.

These are the people who make me feel ashamed of being a Singaporean. But as what I like to say: "We need such people around us to make us realize how good others are, so that we can treasure our friends."

To end this off, I noted that on the Singapore Kindness Movement website, there have been 3114 people thus far who have made it their resolution to be kind. It's been 7 hours since I started writing this post, (no, I wasn't writing this for all 7 hours) and the number hasn't changed at all. I believe it is safe to say that those who could be bothered have already made their resolution on the website. I couldn't be bothered, since I know I don't need such a reminder for me to be kind, or at least act kind. And since the current population of Singapore is roughly 4.8 million, I'm glad there will be at least one kind person in every 1500 people I meet. There sure are many kind people out there.

Memory.

2009-01-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

Memory is a funny thing. It never seems to work the way it should. I can't seem to remember what I should, yet I can't seem to forget what ought to be forgotten.

Yesterday, we were just introduced to dynamic memory allocation in C++. If only my brain could function like a computer, such that I can allocate space for whatever I need to remember, and retrieve the information whenever I need to. But life is never that easy, is it?

And so yesterday, after showering at SRC after training, I accidentally left my clothes behind in the shower. And did not remember until I was on my way home. And amongst the clothes I was wearing, there was the item I treasured the most: my dragon boat singlet. The rest of the items, such as shorts, socks and underwear, could always be easily replaced.

I was then reminded of what happened during my JC days, when I lost my team watch (everyone on the team had the same watch) to MacRitchie Reservoir. It was something that could have been avoided, but I just had to capsize (Yes, I was rowing a T1 and shouldn't have capsized, but I did.) and end up losing the watch. At that point in time, I felt a loss of identity, as if it was a sign, telling me I wasn't good enough to be part of the team. But I soon got over it, even though I eventually still wasn't good enough to compete in the Nationals. It's amazing how I still remember this.

And this time, I was really worried I wouldn't be able to retrieve my singlet. Even though I do actually have 3 other team singlets, I did not wish to lose a single one. But at least this time, I did not let the loss affect me in a negative way, as I knew that even if I were unable to get it back, my abilities did not depend on it. But still, I was really glad when Pirapong told me he managed to salvage it. Really appreciated the trouble he went to help me find it.

But there have been so many more losses that my memory, or rather lack of, has caused me. Like how I left my $110 Asics Cumulus 10 overnight at Kallang and only realized the next morning. And needless to say, it was gone when I went back. And suffering financial losses isn't all. I don't even want to get started on the marketing subject pool study I forgot to attend. And the Chinese "spelling" test I forgot to study for when I was still in primary school.

My forgetfulness caused all these terrible things to happen, yet I can't ever seem to forget any of them. And the best part is, my memory seems to be getting worse. And the ginkgo biloba doesn't seem to be helping. Provided I do remember to take it.

Which brings me to my last point, which I almost forgot. There's the saying, "Forgive and forget." Sure, I usually don't bear grudges, fulfilling the "forgive" part. But don't expect me to forget, because I can't control the things my brain wants to remember. And for some reason, it's especially good at remembering misdemeanors.

And one last thing. Here's an interesting quote about memory from when I was a little boy. It's something I saw more than 10 years ago, yet I still remember: "When I do good, nobody remembers. When I do wrong, nobody forgets." And from experience, that seems to be the way most people's memories work.

On hindsight, my blogging style seems to have changed. Changed pretty much. Perhaps it's how I've evolved over the past half a year without blogging. There were instances when I wanted to rant about stuff, but nothing substantial enough to warrant a post. But I guess, this time, it's different. I've changed.

And yes, my blog is alive again. =D

Temperance.

2008-06-20T13:09:00.004+08:00

Okay, I've finally embarked upon this blog entry. I've been procrastinating this entry ever since I mentioned it in my post on 30th March. This is going to be one heck of a long post.

Anyway, quite a few things have happened since the last time I blogged. Firstly, I got a new phone, Samsung SOUL. I would say it's a nice phone overall, except that it lacks some features I would like, such as a dedicated 3.5mm audio jack, a Xenon flash for the camera, as well as WiFi connectivity. But at least I can snap pictures whenever I like now.

So, there was Seng Yew's 21st birthday, held at a nice cosy place in Chinatown called Global Sounds Cafe. It was a double celebration, with his friend Jon. But anyway, Seng got kind of drunk, and wasn't really himself that night. But I suppose it's when someone is drunk that they stop restraining themselves, and you get to see another side of them that you don't usually see. So the question is, Which is the real him? Most of us act in a certain manner not based on instinct, but based on what is acceptable by society. But perhaps it isn't such a bad thing. Humans are social creatures after all, and who wouldn't want to be recognized and welcome as a member of society?

Anyway, pictures (Yes, taken with my phone, but edited with Photoshop since the originals were too insufficiently lit.) from the party:

The photos look extremely "grainy" when viewed full size, due to the fact that they were taken when there wasn't enough light. Though it should be quite clear why everyone was commenting on Gervinn's hair. =X

And anyway, two days later, was Yichou's birthday chalet, at Aloha Loyang. We ended up playing Big 2 and Bridge for the most part. Picture (I only took one) below:

Not as many of us attended, since most of us were notified somewhat at the last minute. Anyway, that's basically the gist of what has happened over the past weeks. And now, onto the topic of this post.

Temperance. One of the cards in the major arcana of the tarot. I'm too lazy to try to find a picture of it to post here. But anyway, one of the key ideas behind Temperance is about balance. Finding the middle ground. Many of us fail to realize that in our lives, most things are not entirely black or white, but usually in shades of grey. What I mean is that, for example, most of us like to view things as either "good" or "bad". But most of the time, it's actually more of to what extent is the degree of good or bad.

So now, I'm in this phase of life where I question myself about qualities of a person's character. What triggered these thoughts, most importantly, was my view on being hardworking or lazy. It seems to me that there is only a thin line between a vice and a virtue in many cases. Of course, being lazy is definitely a vice. But when you become hardworking, and work towards your goals, does there come a point where the degree of being hardworking actually makes it more akin to being ambitious? Sure, everyone needs goals and ambitions in order to have something to work towards. But being overzealous when working towards ones ambitions is another thing altogether.

Sometimes when I want to chiong, I would pause to ask myself, To what extent should I be doing this? I don't want to end up losing myself. But I suppose, being at this young age that I am, there are still many things out there waiting for me to learn and experience. I've seen this quote in someone's nick on msn: Trying is the first step to failure. At first thought, that seemed to makes sense. But then the afterthought kicks in, and I believe this sums it up better: If you never try, you will never fail. But neither will you ever succeed.

Stoic.

2008-05-08T12:55:00.002+08:00

Finally blogging again. And just like all my previous posts, I shall rant about some random things first. Firstly, I went for supper with Alwyn and Kasster on Monday. Had roti prata at The Roti Prata House, and the prata there was damn nice. After we left, me and Alwyn were hungry for some sweet stuff, so we found ourselves at AMK McDonald's. Wanted to get sundaes, but the stupid machine was out of order, so we ended up ordering a Mango Smoothie at McCafe. And honestly, it was the WORST EVER mango drink I've ever had. Seriously, even the Fruit Tree Fresh Mango Juice you can get from any supermarket or minimart can own this shit any day. But if you're looking for a really nice mango drink, go for the Mango Coconut Milky Lure at Kim Gary Restaurant at Vivocity. Best mango drink ever.

And I watched Iron Man with Berne and Zi Chao on Tuesday. Nice movie overall, though the ending kind of makes you question what the whole fight was about. For those who have yet to catch the movie, please skip the rest of this paragraph. Anyway seriously, if just overloading that whatever machine could win the fight, I don't see why he had to take the trouble of flying up high into the sky in the first place. And anyway, this is damn weird but, it's amazing how the most memorable scene (to me, at least) was the boy on the ferris wheel giving that !@#$%^&* look and dropped his ice cream. I think that was the scene where the audience laughed the loudest.

And one more sad thing is, I missed Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day. Firstly, the nearest outlet is damn far from my house. Also, no one to go out with on that day. Enough said.

Okay so anyway, onto the topic of this post. Studies have shown that men generally have a shorter life expectancy compared to women because men are not as good at relieving stress as compared to women. As in, when women are stressed or feeling emotional, they are generally more open to revealing their thoughts and feelings to others, but men generally are less inclined to do so. I'm not posting on Wikipedia, so I don't have to bother putting reference for where I got this information. Besides, I can't remember.

Anyway, I suppose I fit into the category pretty well. Sometimes not because I don't want others to know how I'm feeling, but I suppose I lack the.. I don't know. But sometimes I just like to let myself be absorbed into my own thoughts. And honestly speaking, when friends tell me of their problems, I can understand how they feel, but I can't possibly say I feel as they do. Sympathy is always easier than empathy. And hence I expect the same of others. I believe others already have enough problems of their own, so it's not too nice to trouble them with my own. But there's somewhat of a paradox, because I do enjoy lending a listening ear to my friends' problems. The irony of it all.

Anyway, still waiting for a nice phone to be released, so I can update my blog with photos instead of just words. I've already set my eyes on a few potential models, but unfortunately Singapore is never the first to have phones arrive on our shores. Also, I'm waiting for the full number portability to be released in Singapore. 13 June, and I'll just see who can offer me a better deal. Singtel has good customer service, but if it continues to be as rigid as it is, I'll probably end up with Starhub. And M1 is definitely out of the question. Why? Think of it as McCafe's Mango Smoothie. ;)

Friendship.

2008-03-30T21:29:00.004+08:00

So I was walking home tonight, and I saw a very.. stunning occurrence. At the traffic junction, I saw a sparkle from the mouth of someone walking in my direction. I took a second glance and, to my amazement, that guy was wearing braces. It reminded me of the time I used to wear braces and Jingzhi was teasing how it was emitting a blinding light. I never knew braces could be so bright. So ladies, if you want extra protection when going home at night, look no further.

Anyway, I keep procrastinating my post for the tarot card I wanted to talk about, which is Temperance. But today, I shall end up talking about the reversed Three of Cups instead, since it is related to something that is going to happen very soon, or in fact, is already in the process of happening.

The upright Three of Cups show three people toasting to each other. The picture looks horrible because I doubled the dimensions, making each pixel 4 times its original size. Anyway, one of its meanings is that of friendship. There's multiple ways to read a reversed card. Some may choose to read it to be opposite in meaning to the upright version, while some would say that it refers to a lower level of energy / is the beginning of manifestation / losing energy, and henceforth meaning, of the card.

What I'm saying here is that.. the friends that I have made at work over the past 3 months.. I'll probably not get to see them soon. Quite a few of them will be transferring to another department, albeit the same workplace, this week. But either case, I'll be leaving in another 3 weeks. And chances of seeing them again are.. close to zero. Except for some of them whom I'll see in university, which is uncertain as well.

My team will be going for dinner at Kuishinbo on Tuesday night. Hopefully, everyone will go. That's probably the last time we can have dinner together as a team. By the time Jiazheng is back from his ICT, I'll be gone. And probably Hwee Sian too. Oh well, should stop thinking of all this parting. It's inevitable, but.. I still wonder if I'll miss any of them. Again, only time will tell..

$387,176

2008-03-16T21:13:00.003+08:00

I'm thinking of going overseas with the Greenies after quitting my job, before I sink into the abyssal doom.. known as mugging. But, much as I would like to go Japan, monetary constraints play a major concern for some of us. Guess we'd have to settle for Taiwan, which I suppose won't be such a bad choice either. I guess we'll find out..

So SMRT has been fined $387,176 by LTA, for the disruption to train service between Tanah Merah and Pasir Ris some time back. My first reaction to the fine was, WHAT'S WITH THE WEIRD AMOUNT!? Do they, like, charge per second billing like Starhub? From what I understand, the service was disrupted for about 7 hours, which is 25,200 seconds. So let's say the exact duration of disruption was 24,198.5 seconds, it would make sense that they charge $16 per second, or rather $8 per half second.

My second reaction to the fine was, how SMRT can easily offset it. Well, LTA isn't the only organization who impose fines, if you realize. SMRT simply has to catch 775 individuals eating or drinking, or 78 people carrying lighters or cooking oil with them, or a combination of both. I don't think it'll be easy, but they can also try catching 388 people smoking on the train. I wonder if they actually EVER fine people for eating or drinking. Like, seriously, it seems as if no one gives a damn about the fine.

More on the topic of SMRT. So they had this poster outside the Ticket Office, advertising for their Park & Ride tickets. I think their marketing team has a very good sense of humour. The poster actually wrote: "Avoid the hassle of driving: PARK & RIDE". Seriously, have these people been in the public transport industry for so long that they have lost all contact with private transport? How can driving ever be a hassle, compared to the MRT?

Speaking of which, I was almost late for work that day due to the stupid delay on the MRT. Not that Tanah Merah to Pasir Ris incident. It's another isolated one, where the train kept stalling. It stopped like a minute or 2 at one of the stations, for no apparent reason, and stalled even longer at one point between AMK and Bishan, with numerous other micro stops. Public transport can be such an ass sometimes. Almost decided to get off and transfer to a taxi instead, but luckily still managed to arrive at work in time. I wonder which is more of a hassle, in reality?

Anyway, a little more ranting before I end this post. I wonder if Disney On Ice will ever produce Kingdom Hearts. Well, I suppose the production won't be easy, but hey, if they do make it, I bet it'll be a huge success, be it for commercial concerns or otherwise, garnering attention from not just impressionable little kids, but teenagers and grown men who love the Kingdom Hearts series as well. But I don't think it'll ever come to fruition. Disney On Ice is meant for little kids, and too much violence won't get Disney in the good books of parents.

I was supposed to blog about something else today, specifically another Tarot card. But I'll blog about it in the next entry, probably, since there was too much to bitch about public transport this time round. And I seriously need to locate a driving instructor soon, because I can't possibly spend $25 to renew my PDL all the time.. Zzz..

Randomness.

2008-02-25T00:58:00.004+08:00

Wanted to blog last week, but the late shift made me too lazy to blog. The earliest I reach home is 10pm, and at that time, I'm already in no mood to blog. So here I am, finally blogging again..

There's quite some stuff to talk about, but mostly random stuff. Quite suitable, since I've just established myself as the most random person in Green Team. Speaking of which, the lift in Haw Par Centre is the first I've ever come across that can hold less people than the maximum stated. It's supposed to be able to handle 20 passengers, but that day, there were like only around 15 of us inside and it was already overloaded. So many lifts I've been in, say that can only carry 10 people, but have no problem with 12 or so, but this is the opposite. Perhaps they should upgrade the lift. Heh..

So anyway, some time back, about 2 weeks ago, I had let Shi Hui and Michelle listen to the song written by me and Zi Chao. The nicer one, of course. So Shi Hui commented that the lyrics have no meaning, while Michelle said the tune isn't nice. Those 2 comments added together equates that both the lyrics and the tune is CMI. So I shan't say any further.

Well, I had initially wanted to blog on Valentine's Day, to say how each year's turn out the same, and how it seemed more like Total Defence Day's eve more than anything else. And I was thinking about what will happen if the siren wails on Total Defence Day itself and the whole call centre evacuates. But that never did happen. No fun.

So anyway, now I'm playing Kingdom Hearts Re:chain of Memories. Am now onto Riku's part of the story. I seem to be in a similar dilemma, struggling between light and darkness. It's a situation that's hard to comprehend, even for myself. For Riku, he's in a situation where he has to learn how to embrace the darkness and to make use of it, instead of shunning it due to it's power. Perhaps my situation isn't quite the same, but still, I'm also struggling with the darkness within.

I guess that's enough random stuff for now. I'm suddenly thinking how my Self, when I blog, is so much different from the way I portray myself in front of others usually. Sometimes I'm really lost about which is my true Self. (Notice the capitalized Self. Perhaps I will talk about it more in my next post..) I shall save my residual thoughts for a more.. structured post next time round. Till then..

New Beginnings.

2008-02-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

The Chinese New Year is here. In case anyone doesn't know yet, my family isn't celebrating it this year because my grandmother just passed away last year. But it's alright, don't worry, I'm not disappointed in any way. It's somewhat a refreshing feeling, having time to reflect on the past year instead of the hectic visiting that goes on every year.

So I was thinking about how every year, everyone wishes everyone else a happy new year, to have improvements in studies, to enjoy great wealth, etc. Then I went on to think about how it's different for this year. But I don't think it'd make a difference for the year ahead. Suddenly it seems like we are just wishing for the sake of wishing. Tradition. It's almost the same thing as religion, I suppose. When a large group of people follow something or someone, people just follow. But the thing about tradition that is different from religion is that you don't have to believe in it. It's just something you do because everyone is doing it.

So it seems appropriate for me to add this picture here. This is actually "The Fool" card from a typical tarot deck, but recoloured by someone (I copied this from Wikimedia) so that it isn't licensed, and hence I don't have to give a damn about infringing copyright.

So you may want to ask, what's the link? No, it's not one of my usual "randomness". For those who have no knowledge of the tarot, here's the lowdown on "The Fool" card. The Fool is on the edge of the cliff. It may seem like a foolish thing to do, but it actually means to go with you intuition and explore new territories.

And it seems like that's what's happening to me these days. I'm experiencing many new things, and sometimes I think I really act like a fool, and it's not in the positive sort of way. It's really hard to describe, but.. I guess I shall just let intuition lead my way for now..

Before and After.

2008-01-31T21:04:00.000+08:00

Just a little update on my life. Had a BMT section dinner at Fish n Co on Tuesday! The organizer was yours truly, and it was quite a successful one, to say the least. =X 11 out of 12 of us attended. Only Amrik couldn't make it, as his head was injured (I could only catch him saying he just got 7 stitches, couldn't hear the cause of the injury over the phone) and he said the wound was still quite bad. Hope he gets well soon! So anyway, just a little comparison of how we looked during BMT POP:

And after ORD:

Everyone certainly looks better with hair.

So anyway, did quite a bit of catching up with the lot. Small Andy has a new girlfriend (his 8th, I think. Everyone was shocked when i said that, because I remember he was with his 7th during BMT.), while Siong Kiat has become single. The rest of us remain pretty much the same. It seemed as if SAF didn't change us at all. Looks like the saying that the army changes boys into men is wrong. =/

So anyway, it was kind of funny seeing everyone again. Obviously, we are no longer as close as we used to be during those days. But it was kind of nice to meet up after such a long time too. I suppose the structure of the training in army is.. not perfect, as we only have 2 years, since it's a citizen army. Been in so many different places (BMT, SISPEC, ETI, 30SCE) with such short duration that I don't even remember when I met some particular guys. There really isn't much time for bonding unless you're in mono, or until after your training phase and you stop jumping around units. But I suppose BMT wasn't too bad. SISPEC was 2 weeks longer, if I remember correctly, but the bonding was worse. Can't imagine meeting up with some of the horrible guys in my SISPEC section. Actually there's only 2 of them, and the rest of the section should know who I'm referring to, so I'm not afraid of any misunderstanding here. Damn I'm getting bitchy again.

But anyway, it's all over. Unless you count the 10 year NS cycle. For now, I'll just relax and get used to being a civilian..

Lost my way.

2008-01-23T11:15:00.000+08:00

Just when you thought my blog is dead, guess again.. Due to popular demand, (well, it's actually just Weiyang commenting that I haven't been blogging in a long time, and I have no idea who else will actually bother reading,) I shall start blogging again! I'm actually waiting to get myself a nice camera phone so i can make my blog more lively by adding photos. But that will have to wait, because the phone that fits 80% of my criteria (read: Samsung G800) and which I have decided to get has been priced very ridiculously by Singtel. In fact, I find that Starhub's mobile plans are so much better than Singtel, if you do not take into consideration coverage and network issues, that is. Well, personally I won't be able to comment on Starhub's coverage, since all my life I've been using Singtel, but based on what others have said, I guess Singtel still has better coverage. I've somewhat decided on changing to Starhub, but I still loathe the idea of getting a new mobile number. Pfft..

So anyway, yesterday, I decided that my hiatus from running/jogging must come to an end. Hence, I went jogging around my neighbourhood. And no, it isn't hard to guess what happened. Yes, I lost my way. I frigging (do a Wikipedia search and you will realize that frigging is a censored version of *toot*) lost my way in my own neighbourhood..

I initially wanted to run 15 min in one direction and U-turn so I will run for about half an hour. But then I decided to explore new territories so that I won't have to see the same sceneries again. So I tried running one big round, but somewhere inside the round, I made a left turn instead of a right turn, and ended up at a dead end. Yes, it was literally a dead end, and the road just ended there. By then, I had already ran for 35 minutes, and I figured I probably won't be able to last all the way back if I were to retrace my path, considering I was armed with only my handphone and with no water or money. So I slowly walked back and found the place where I took a wrong turn and managed to find a shorter route home, and I ended up running for 35 minutes and walking for half an hour. Perfect, isn't it?

But anyway, talking about losing my way.. I guess literally losing my way is much better than figuratively doing so. But apparently, I'm lost in both ways. I realized that until now, I still have no idea which direction to head towards for my future. I'm still living for the moment. Planning for the future is such a.. I'm at a loss for words, haha.. But anyway, I remember hearing before this quote, that a job is to do what you like to do and getting people to pay you for doing it. That's exactly what I'm searching for, but sadly, I'm still unable to find it.

So anyway, the Green Team went to The Crew Room (some karaoke bar) on Monday night to celebrate farewell for Jon. I had quite a bit to drink, (and no, I don't "Merlion" unless it's beer,) and it felt great. I guess that's the reason why people go drinking in the first place. But do not be mistaken, I wasn't drunk at all. It's just a feeling of.. Haha, lost for words again. But all I can say is that i felt high and low at the same time. Alcohol isn't exactly something for forgetting all your troubles. It's more like.. something that allows you to let loose even while troubled. Heh..

So anyway, Jon will be flying off on Thursday to Australia, and I'm really glad for him. I hope that I, too, will find my destined path soon. But until then, it's back to living for the moment..

Accident.

2007-11-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

Today is my birthday. Just yesterday, i was pretty excited. But it turned out to be a rather uneventful day. I could say I never expected my birthday to be this boring, considering that I've already ORD. In fact, the day turned out to be quite sad. I don't even think I can maintain my sense of humour, so I shall drop it altogether for this entry.

I remember how in Hot Fuzz, Sergeant Angel was explaining why "traffic accidents" have been renamed to "traffic collisions", because the use of the word "accident" would imply that it is not due to human error.

The reason why I'm quite sad is because of the dragon boating accident that occurred a few days ago. Today's news confirmed that all the 5 bodies that have been found belong to the 5 missing members of the national dragon boat team. And I've been deeply affected by this.

In fact, this entry is actually dedicated to the 5 of them who've passed on because of this accident. I don't really know if this can be considered an "accident" according to Sergeant Angel's explanation, since additional safety measures could have been put in place. But it's usually too late after the tragedy has struck.

I remember how our school dragon boat team sometimes trained without wearing life vests either. Nobody ever expects dragon boats to capsize. Besides, paddling while wearing life vests is one of the most uncomfortable things that one can experience. To be honest, I hated wearing life vest while paddling too, but there were times I did get a little nervous when the boat rocked more than normal.

Recently, I've been reading the dragon ball manga. It made me think about the use of a time machine to change the past, to set things right. Also, if people die, all you have to do is wish them back wit the dragon balls. But this isn't the case with real life, is it? Once you're gone.. You're gone.

I wonder if it's a good thing or a bad one to die while doing something you love. Being an avid lover of the sport myself, I really feel terrible for them. Dragon boating is a sport that requires much discipline and commitment. Training to become a good paddler isn't something that can be accomplished in a matter of days. But just because of this one incident, all the training.. ends. I wouldn't say the training is wasted, because they were definitely doing something they loved. But, for it all to end like this, along with other hopes and dreams, it really is a pity.

Yesterday, while the news reported that the search was still ongoing, i was praying that they'll be safe. Dragon boaters are one of the strongest people around, and that should increase their chances of survival. At least that's what I told myself. Lied to myself, rather. Deep down, I knew that almost all hope is lost once a few hours is past.

Although I don't know those 5 guys personally, I suppose they must be a special someone in their own way. All of them are so young, and had a great future ahead of them. The video at the top of this entry is an original arrangement of the theme of Parasite Eve by Reuben Kee, one of the deceased. Got the link from his personal website, after seeing his profile on Facebook, because I recognized him from Chian's photos. A dragon boater who was also a very talented musician. I don't really know much about the other 4 deceased, because I never chanced upon their profiles, but I'm sure they had their own unique talents and were great assets to our society.

I haven't talked to Chian about this incident yet. Although I haven't been very close to him, but I know how heart wrenching this whole thing must be for him. Since I'm not too good at consoling people, I suppose I shouldn't bother him for now. I'm glad that at least he's safe.

So now I'm pondering about life after death. What if one day I were to pass before my time was up too? Will I still be able to enjoy the music that I love in the afterlife? Will there still be happiness for me? Or will it all cease to exist, along with me? One thing I've learned from this incident, is that life is a wonderful thing. We may forget this along the way, but one should never give up on it. I've thought many times that my life is very bitter, but in retrospect, I'm now glad I have a life to be bitter about. I am in no way mocking the dead, but I believe each and every one of us who can read this right now should wake up and stop lamenting about our little problems. May the deceased rest in peace.

Rainbow.

2007-11-10T01:43:00.000+08:00

As I was walking out towards the MRT station this evening, I passed by a man who was taking a photo of the sky. A little distance away was another man doing the same thing, and a few other random people looking up at the sky. So, the kaypo-ness inside me caused me to turn my head and take a look, and to my surprise, there was a rainbow in the sky. Not the kind that seems far off into the horizon, but it was actually towering over the HDB flats, a magnificent sight indeed.

It was right then that I had the urge to whip out a camera and take a photo of the rainbow. But to my dismay, I did not bring my camera out. And neither do I have a camera phone, so I couldn't even take a half decent photo of the rainbow. It was then that I began lamenting why I have yet to change my phone.

And then at that moment, I just thought of this song, 知足 by 五月天. Go ahead, play the video and listen to the first line of the song. Basically, it's a song about how sometimes, we try so hard to achieve what is out of our reach, when we should actually be contented with what we have. I think there's a Confucian teaching along this line, that says the measure of happiness for a person isn't about how much one possesses, but how one views what he/she possesses.

This was probably the second of third time of my life where I've seen a rainbow through my own eyes, not from photographs or videos. Perhaps, instead of having wanted to keep a long lasting memory of the rainbow, I should have been contented to have chanced upon it.

It's the same thing with happiness. Sometimes I longed for more happiness, or that my fleeting moment of happiness would last longer, but maybe I should treasure the happiness that I already have. And count the little blessings I get in life, and draw contentment, and happiness, from it all.

Yet it's all a very contradictory sort of thing. Aspirations and contentment seems to be a mutually exclusive pair. I suppose I have too great aspirations for myself to be contented with what I have. It's a strange thing. I like to believe that there's a greater purpose for my existence. That I am meant to achieve more. Yet once I start pondering about it, I lose confidence. Imagine if the billions of people in the world shared my view. Imagine if everyone wanted to be as successful as, say.. our MM Lee, or someone of similar importance. Obviously, not everyone is meant to be as successful as they hope to be.

Yet that does not mean that I shall resign to my fate and let destiny decide my path. True, I do believe that there's such a thing as destiny. Yet I believe in each individual's responsibility in playing an active role in shaping his/her own. It's not as if throwing everything to chance will ever come to fruition. Hence I have come to this conclusion: Aim to be the best that you can be, yet do not fret if you do not achieve what you had hoped for, and be contented with what you have gained in the process. As they say, it is the journey, and not the destination, that matters.

1-click Award.

2007-10-26T15:38:00.000+08:00

Did a little modification to the layout of my blog. Cleaned up the code a little, because I just learned there's a way to simplify my Javascript to achieve the same effect.

But the most important thing is that I added that "uncle" guy from the 1-click award website. Kind of reminds me of Alvin Toh. Perhaps he should add it to his blog as well. Click the guy's butt to visit the official 1-click website. The effect only displays properly in Firefox browser. Internet Explorer refuses to show the man running across the screen on my blog. But he does on other sites though.

It's been a while since I've planned changing my blog skin. But I have been busy with other stuff, so this will be all that's new for now.

Early Matriculation?

2007-10-21T19:49:00.000+08:00

Went for the NUS early matriculation briefing yesterday. It was surprisingly short, less than an hour long. But I suppose all the important information was given. Now it's simply up to me to decide if I should matriculate early. I've somewhat made up my mind to do so, although the details still need to be figured out.

I hate turning points. It's fine for me to make small decisions every now and then, but those that will affect my wellbeing significantly, or may have serious repercussions in the future, really give me a headache. Figuratively, that is. And with the saying that "opportunity doesn't come knocking twice", some decisions are even harder to make.

I've been a wastrel long enough. Having had my fair share of doing things on the spur of the moment, I suppose it's time I stop giving up things that I start trying. Or perhaps it's because the things I've tried, I end up realizing I don't actually like doing. Like how the basketball that I bought ended up rotting in my storeroom. Or how the class websites I started on ended up dead. Or even giving up on my previous blog.

It's time I started trying harder. I can say I don't like ball games. I can say updating class websites is a chore and no one really bothers anyway. But blogging, even if others don't really read it, I suppose it's something good for myself. Helps me keep track of how I'm feeling throughout different times in my life. And I figured that after having not updated for a month, people who do regularly visit my blog may end up disappointed.

There's many things I want to do, besides blogging. Like writing the game book. The planning has gone on for long enough, and I hope to get started on it soon. But of course, I have other commitments that I don't wish to give up on. I'm sure writing it will be something that I will like. And it may even end up being popular. But fame isn't really what I hope to achieve, though I do wish to be recognized for what I can do.

It's amazing how far I can link from the simple topic of early matriculation. But I suppose one thing is clear. I need to start my life now. For the past almost 20 years, I have merely been existing, not living. Sure, I've had happy and sad times, did many things with my life, but in retrospect, I don't see how my life has been fulfilling. Grew up watching TV, studying, playing games, telling lame jokes. I bet if I were to die, no one will remember me anymore 10 years down the road. The most painful thing isn't death, it's being forgotten by your loved ones. Either way, I suppose I should start making myself more useful to humankind.

MAF '07.

2007-09-23T19:53:00.000+08:00

So I went for HCI's Mid Autumn Festival last Saturday instead of going for Firestorm. Had wanted to go for Firestorm, if only it was on any other Saturday.

So.. Photos!

The few canoeists who managed to gather for a photo:

Me with Kai Long and Yuhang:

And with Yen Shong here.. And Qing Zhen the crasher!:

Me with the 35SCE people. I feel so extra!:

For photos that I took with my class and videos of the grand light up, check out my class blog.

So anyway, going back and meeting up with old friends certainly bring about many revelations. Found out quite a bit about the love lives of certain people. And found out how gay my juniors are. One of them got A*STAR scholarship. Another one rejected A*STAR and took up DSTA scholarship. And another is taking the IDA scholarship, the one where you can get a Master's degree in 4 years. And another is studying Medicine, even though my junior class doesn't take Biology. Great. How gay is that..

On a side note, the people from my class who attended have gotten considerably less. I hope more of them will be around next year. But I don't know if I should even go again next year. The Hwa Chong culture is like.. something you want to hold on to, but you know will slowly slip away from you as you grow older, and eventually you'll no longer feel much attachment anymore. I hope what I just said isn't that true.

881.

2007-09-12T10:45:00.000+08:00

It's really somewhat late for me to talk about the movie now. It's been more than a week since I've watched it. Two weeks, in fact. Would have blogged about it earlier if I wasn't involved in the Army Open House 2007. But still, it's something I won't let myself off if I don't blog about it.

For most of it, I have to agree with Kaijie's blog. After not managing to find anyone to watch the movie with, I had initially wanted to give up on watching it. But then I saw the music video (above) for the theme song 一人一半 on Jingzhi's blog and I told myself that I had to watch it no matter what. The song is so touching, so sad, I HAD to watch the movie so that I can really FEEL the song.

But in the end, I still managed to find Yuheng to watch with me. He wasn't particularly keen on watching it, just that he didn't mind. But after watching it, he likes most of the Hokkien songs much.

So anyway, on to a little review for the movie. I have to say, it really is quite an achievement for the movie to gross more than S$3M. The movie certainly is good, but.. I suppose my expectations for Royston Tan's movies were too high. Having seen his films such as 15 and Cut, which I really loved, I couldn't help but end up slightly disappointed by 881.

Sure, the movie was touching, and does reflect very well on the 歌台 scene in Singapore. But I feel that he could have given more background on certain characters to let us FEEL for the characters more.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.
Such as why big 881's mother loathed her daughter's performing at 歌台 so much, even though she used to perform too. Perhaps of a.. unhappy past that she had in those times? Also, why did Guanyin's dad end up marrying the other twin sister instead of 仙姑, even though the one he actually liked was the latter? Don't tell me he was confused because they looked the same? And why is Guanyin so close to the ~~cock~~ rooster? I feel that if Royston Tan had given more background on these, it would have allowed audiences to really understand the characters.
END OF SPOILERS.

But overall, the film is still good. It's undeniable. The film really wonderfully portrays the glamour and hardships of the 歌台 singers. And it is touching to see the love and care the characters have for each other. And I like touching movies.

This Week.

2007-08-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

Before I start talking about all my unhappiness this week, let me just say a few things. I don't know why I actually bitched about 荷叶饭 and my section commander in the previous entry. Okay, 荷叶饭 is a given. But actually the latter isn't all that bad usually. I think I should try to remember people's good points instead of their negative side more. That's the way I'd like people to remember me too, anyway. And I should prevent my blog from becoming a bitching site.

This week was rather bad. It's one of those times when bad things just keep happening and you just can't recover. It started off with that feeling of melancholy on that particular night. I don't remember when. I don't expect myself to remember, anyway.

Ate at Pariss International Seafood Buffet Restaurant during nights off on Wednesday. Utterly disappointing. I'd have expected more since it costs more than Kuishin-bo. I'll blog a separate post on it when I have more time, because I'll need to sleep earlier due to AHM tomorrow. Think I will do a review of all those buffet restaurants I've gone to over the past few months. But I can't really complain about the dinner at Pariss though. It was a promotion treat, so I didn't have to fork out a single cent. This is one of the few times I HAVE to agree with OC, for he actually objected to eating at Pariss initially.

And then on Thursday, we had to go retrieve that stupid Class 30 trackway at the Show Village since NDP is over. Spent like.. half an hour removing the mud covering it before we could actually start work.

And then route march on Friday. Let me just say that I am really pissed with Alvin Toh. I am trying not to bitch anymore, but this is one of the few things I MUST say. One should never request commanders to sing when one never intended to sing along in the first place. I've said my piece.

And someone has to piss me off while I was booking out. But it was insignificant, so I can't be bothered to elaborate. But the week was saved when I met up with the gang. Had dinner with Daryl and Kasster, then watched Hairspray with them, 大姐 (no, not my real elder sister. It's Xiefen.) and Alwyn. It was a nice, happy movie. It's one of those happy, chirpy movies that are great to watch when you need something to lift your spirits. Precisely what I needed. And we went to eat Rochor Tao Huay after that. They said it's overrated. But I had never heard of it until yesterday. But it was nice, nonetheless. Nicer than Mr Bean.

And today, I had to do house recce. It's one of those stupid things that only commanders do, just because we get a few hundred bucks more. Wasted my whole afternoon visiting some stranger to inform him of recall manning. And I rushed down to Causeway Point but was too late to catch 881, because I didn't expect I'd need so long to walk to his house. If only the stupid online street directory told me I could have taken a bus. But all it did was direct me to the nearest MRT. Luckily my map reading skills are still.. not too shabby. Rawr. Maybe I'll go watch it tomorrow after AHM or something.

Irreconcilable differences.

2007-08-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Anyway, some random stuff I forgot to blog about again. And some stuff I realized I was wrong about, but was reminded by others about the truth.

So anyway, let me hope that this will be my last entry touching on The Simpsons Movie. Not that I don't like the movie, obviously, but to keep talking about it when it's so long ago (actually not that long) is so.. I don't know what word to use. So anyway, let me first say that, I was wrong about the movie not having anything to do with donuts. You see, the whole movie was so funny that I laughed from start to end and there isn't much I could remember because, I suppose the filmmakers know this, human attention span is very short, and hence once I start laughing about something new, I kind of forget what it was that I laughed about previously. So anyway, there was a short little scene on donuts. About how this shop was giving out free donuts and actually caused Homer to cause the disaster. Enough said.

Let me just add that just because I said I felt like Homer, I'm not suggesting that He Qian is like the Boob Lady in any way. Just a disclaimer, for no reason whatsoever. But anyway, another thing to add on, Nicholas was saying I'm insulting Homer by saying I felt like him.

And anyway, onto some more random ramblings. On National Day itself, (I know, it's long past, but.. I just keep procrastinating..) there was this teenage boy who started chatting with me at the crossing I was in charge of. He was asking, "Are you from Combat Engineers?" Then I was like, "Yes. Why?" So he replied that he read that this year's NDP was organized by our unit. I suppose he didn't know the difference between a unit and a formation, but I didn't bother correcting him. And then he proceeded to ask if it was tough in the army, and I told him it's alright. And he then explained that he was 15 years old. Heh.. Soon, he shall experience the terror! Muahahaha.. But anyway, talking about NDP reminds me of someone saying during NDP that NS is like forced prostitution. You are forced into it, and you get f***ed by people. By men, actually.

So anyway, on to the main topic for this post. Many couples cite irreconcilable differences as the reason for divorce. But I'm not talking about divorces today. Because marriages aren't the only relationships that such differences can affect. Let's just say, me and 荷叶饭 are too different. He never fails to piss me off. But of course, I'd just tell myself there's no point being angry at him, because he isn't worth my anger.

And my section commander.. Haiz.. Think about him also sian.. Talk to him nicely and he gives such kind of reply. That's not the way to talk even if you're not feeling well. End up I couldn't answer Zhen Cai on what time to fall in in the morning. It's a nice thing that the new section commanders are coming in already. Because I don't think I, or any of us in fact, can reconcile our differences with him.

TV Shows.

2007-08-12T21:03:00.000+08:00

So anyway, I just saw that this year's Star Search contestants will be judged by professional judges only. Yes, that means no voting. It's been a long time since there's been any TV contest where the audience isn't involved in the judging process. But the question is, will it still attract as many audiences as it did in those days long gone? Or will it lose to the popularity of contests where audiences can vote for their favourite contestants? But Mediacorp sure is putting in quite a bit of effort advertising it.

But talking about Mediacorp's advertising, I sure　wonder what they are thinking. By "they", I'm actually referring to the one who's in charge or advertising. Maybe they have more than 1 person, I don't know. But anyway, I just happened to be watching TV on Channel U, and there was an advert for a Malay talk show on Suria. No, I'm not trying to say that the talk show is a programme not worth advertising. But the thing is, who are the audiences they are trying to target to entice to watch the show? I don't think many people watching a Chinese channel at a prime TV slot of 8pm would be interested in watching a Malay talk show.

Before any readers jump to any conclusion, let me first say that I would say the same thing if they were to advertise for a Chinese show on Suria. Sure, there may be English subtitles, and there may be Malays who like to watch Chinese shows (and vice versa), but what's the chance of that? I would have no qualms at all if they were to advertise for shows on Channel 8, U or Suria on Channel 5, since English is a first language for all of us and people of all races would watch it, and may be enticed to watch the shows on the other channels that have been advertised.

So anyway, I think the time allocated for such worthless advertisements could have been put to better use. Such as advertising for shows on Channel 5, or even a commercial advertisement, to help generate revenue. Seriously, the opportunity cost (click, for the benefit of non-economics students) for that talk show advertisement is so great, I don't understand why they even put it there in the first place. I personally believe that there is no other alternative that can be worth less than advertising for that talk show at such a precious TV slot.

As a closing note, NDP 07 is finally over. It's kind of of an ambivalent feeling. Very stressful during each rehearsal, but it's also a very enriching experience. And I got the chance to see many friends again. But even though NDP is over, we're going to suffer from the aftermath tomorrow. That's right, we're going there to clear away the barricades and return them to where they belong. Which makes me want to talk about TV again. The stupid TV news only talked about how much effort was put in to clear the area of litter after the event. No mention was given to how much effort it took to clear the barricades. And set them up in the first place. The cleaners didn't even need to place the litter there in the first place, unlike us. Honestly, when the media wants to recognize one party's efforts for an event, they should try to analyze the efforts put in by the other parties as well. Oh yeah, and my friend was complaining to me how the newspapers had photos of every GOH contingent except theirs, the Commandos. Pity. We are all the forgotten warriors..

Stuff I Forgot.

2007-08-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

Okay I'm here to blog about some things I should have included in the previous post, but have forgotten due to my tremendously bad memory. It's just some minor bitching stuff, and some minor rambling, that doesn't really mean much.

Firstly, let me just say that, to say ジェレミン is an asshole would be an insult.. to assholes. He can be nice one moment and turn his back on you the next. It's like, he can be smiling one moment and stab you in the face the next. Okay, that wasn't really a very good reiteration, but you get the point. I can't stand his pretence of treating me like a friend anymore. He really personifies the saying, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

Alright, now to end the post on a lighter note. I was supposed to blog about this when talking about The Simpsons Movie in the previous post, but I only remember about it after posting. And I figured no one will reread the post if I were to edit it. So anyway, firstly, I thought the movie would have a fair bit of content on Homer and donuts, since the O of the word "Movie" is a donut. But there wasn't ANYTHING on donuts. Not that the movie was ruined because of the donut's absence.

Another thing about the movie is, now I feel like Homer. Because there was this scene where he asked the Boob Lady, "What's an epiphany?" And why does that make me feel like Homer? Because I asked He Qian the same thing. I can't remember in what circumstances he used the word on me, and I didn't want to pretend that I knew what it meant, so I just asked him what it means. And I actually forgot what it meant after that, thanks to my memory capability. Now that the movie has etched the word in my mind, I don't think I'll ever forget it again. Hopefully.

Censorship.

2007-08-06T21:49:00.000+08:00

Just watched The Simpsons Movie yesterday. It's been a long while since I've watched The Simpsons, ever since Channel 5 decided to stop showing it. Laughed all the way from the start to the end. And we stayed after it ended to make sure to catch any scenes after the credits. But there wasn't any. But still, there was an interesting scene during the credits itself. And reading the credits made me realize that Green Day really performed The Simpsons Theme:

And it also made me realize that most of the animation is done by Koreans. Firstly, I didn't know Koreans were such good animators. I only know they are good gamers. And also, I didn't know they actually outsourced the animation to Korea. But whatever. It doesn't really make a difference to me.

I just checked the rating of the movie, and found out it's actually PG. Rather surprised that it's only PG, not NC-16 or something, because there was a scene where you could see Bart's.. genitals. For like 1 second or something. And the Board of Censors didn't even bother cutting that part. I thought they would have done something about it, even though it's animated. Maybe Royston Tan's Cut really changed the censors. Anyway, Cut is a short film made by Royston Tan in retaliation to the censors cutting away 27 parts from his film 15, which is about 15-year-old boys in street gangs. I really love Cut.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

And he filmed it such that Cut didn't get cut at all. How nice. I think Royston Tan is really talented. I intend to watch 881 when it comes out.

开心果

2007-08-01T20:44:00.000+08:00

Okay bitching time again. I don't really have much to bitch about, really. Which is why I haven't blogged for a while because there haven't been any major happenings for me to bitch such that I needed to blog in a hurry. But well, there is ONE thing. We were told at first that we were not going to be involved in this coming Saturday's NDP rehearsal. But lo and behold, Our Army: The Decisive Force. Enough said.

Just a minor thing I'm supposed to have blogged about like... a month ago, but have procrastinated until now. So anyway, there was this instance about a month back where the 4D draw turned out to have the same winning numbers for both the 1st and 2nd prize. And some spokesperson said that it was a ONE IN A MILLION chance. Wow! What a coincidence for the top 2 prizes to have the same winning numbers! But the thing is.. for ANY combination of the first 2 winning numbers, the probability is the SAME. Yes, there's a one in a million chance no matter what the 2 numbers are. So I honestly don't see what's the big commotion about.

Oh and another small complaint. I haven't been able to view my tagboard for about 2 weeks now. I get the "403 Forbidden The following error occurred: Access denied by access control list. Could not open error file" error page instead of my tagboard. Sounds as if I've been blocked from viewing it. Maybe the previous user of my IP address did something at the site. I can't even visit the main website to figure out what's wrong. But the best part is, I can see everyone else's tagboards from Cbox. Maybe I should stop procrastinating my reseting of my IP address.

So anyway, on to today's topic. A few days ago, someone beside me on the MRT happened to be reading Chinese newspapers. So I took a peek, and there was this article about 开心果指数, which is about how good people of different zodiac signs are at making people happy. Which started me thinking about a few thoughts. Why are 开心果 (Pistachios. The literal translation from the Chinese name would be happy fruit.) named the way they are? Do they make people who eat them happy? Sure, they are tasty and very addictive, but so are many other foods.

Well anyway, the thing about the article is, it claimed that Sagittariuses have a index of 100%. The next closest, which I have forgotten the zodiac sign, is 95%. The others range from like.... 10% to 80%? Or something like that. So I suppose I'm supposed to be able to make people happy easily. At first glance, I thought the article was saying how happy the people belonging to different zodiac signs are. And my immediate thought was that, "Hey, that's not true!" But then I took a closer look (Not literally. I somewhat paid more attention to the title and realized what it was saying.) and I realized otherwise. Hmm.. Guess I need to get to know more Sagittarius people. Make myself happier! Lol..

時をかける少女

2007-07-23T18:39:00.000+08:00

This entry is like.. 3 weeks late. Or somewhere around there. Basically it's so late that I can't remember exactly how late it is. But of course, I'll start off this entry with some bitching, which is for this week, not for 3 weeks (or something) ago.

So anyway, yet another Saturday of NDP NE show. Almost the same as the previous week, though things ran more smoothly since we had more experience. I felt rather satisfied at the end of the day, but 荷叶饭 had to spoil it by finding something to argue with me about. He claimed that I was accusing him of not doing his job properly during the dispersal, which I did not, simply based on my harsh tone. What did he expect? We were in a hurry to disperse the students, so did he expect me to grab a GS table and bench n sit down and slowly sort out the matter with him? Obviously I was in a hurry to get the problem settled so my tone might not have been the best possible one. So he ended up confronting me at the end of the day. Brainless fool. Did he expect me to say, "Yes, I was blaming you for your incompetency in the situation just now. You could have done better." Hot-headed freak who doesn't use his brain to think for a moment before he confronts people. I'm not one who goes around trying to wreck my relationship with people. He doesn't realize that it wouldn't have done either of us any good if I had really tried to make it seem as if it was his fault. And after my explanation, he was still dissatisfied and said, "我不懂啦！你以后小心你讲的话！" Lamer. Wasted my time explaining to him (I was using a REALLY humble tone. And no, I'm not being sarcastic here.) and spoiled my mood for the night.

Alright, on to the main topic of this entry. So anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I watched this Japanese animated film called 時をかける少女 (Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo; The Girl Who Leapt Through Time). I don't suppose anyone would consider this as a spoiler since anyone who wanted to watch it would have done so by now. I think. So anyway, the story is about this girl, named Makoto, who discovered that she had the ability to Time Leap, which is to leap through time and end up in another time. Yes, she literally leaps when she wants to pass through time. I suppose she could leap into the future, but in the entire story she only leapt back in time.

So anyway, initially after she found out about her ability, she used her power to perform frivolous tasks to her advantage, such as leaping back in time to retake a test so she already knew all the questions, and leaping back countless number of times in the karaoke lounge so she could sing over and over. Funny, lame stuff. But then after that she realized that many of her actions have repercussions that only manifest much later. She ended up losing the ability to Time Leap towards the end of the story and when a catastrophe happens because of what she did when she Time Leapt for the last time, it had to be someone else to remedy the situation.

So why am I talking about this movie then? Because I think it's a really nice movie that everyone should watch. It's funny, like most animes. But what's really nice about it is the story. And I've learnt quite a few lessons from the story:

1. Do not always assume that you can remedy all your wrongdoings.

2. Cherish what you have. It's too late to regret if/when you finally lose it. There is this part in the story where Makoto's friend expressed his love for her and she Time Leapt back in time to avoid having the conversation so that he would never have declared his love for her. When she finally realized that she actually really loved him very much, he was already with someone else who had a crush on him.

3. We shouldn't try to change things beyond our ability. Doing so may make things worse. And don't assume that you know what's best for others.

That's basically all I have to say about the movie. So anyway, to end off this entry, I'd like to answer Eugene's question about whether I do that "twist/victory" sign in front of my friends. The answer is NO. I do it WITH them:

Fool Again.

2007-07-16T21:05:00.000+08:00

The song above is Fool Again by Westlife. Why am I putting this video in this entry? Because I think I'm a fool again. No, it's not like how the song puts it. I haven't been fooled by anyone. But nevertheless, I still feel like a fool. For all the things I have done. For all the things I tried to do. All the small little actions I have been performing to attract attention. I really feel like a fool. An idiot. A nincompoop. All these are mere understatements.

I don't even feel like blogging this weekend. Which is why this post came in so late. Been thinking quite a bit. But the more I think, the more confused I get.

I don't know. What do I not know? Everything. I don't even know myself anymore. This whole blogging thing is supposed to let me understand myself more. But it doesn't seem to be helping. But one thing is for sure. I can't continue the way I am. The past few days have been somewhat of a wake up call for me. I hope I don't slip back into this.. loser state of mine anymore.. 変えよう！

Overly Weird Questions.

2007-07-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

Well, this was supposed to be the main topic of my previous post, but NDP took up the bulk of the post, (In fact, all of it.) so I had to blog a separate entry for this. Before that, let me first bitch a little. I was on the MRT to City Hall today, and right from the moment I entered the train door, I smelled a scent. I won't exactly call it an odour, but I didn't really enjoy the smell of that perfume. It smelled like strawberry, I think. So anyway, I have this book about farts. The book says that "All farts are like good perfumes. They stop smelling after about two minutes." But I could smell it for a good 15 minutes, all the way from Sembawang to Bishan. Definitely not a good perfume. And the best part is, I couldn't figure out where the scent was coming from, so I couldn't get away from it.

So anyway, DISCLAIMER: This entry contains sexually explicit content and is unsuitable for immature audiences. Please do not read if you.. don't want to read.

Well anyway, I was being my usual kaypo self and was asking He Qian certain personal questions. And then I realized I was kind of asking too many questions already so I told him to ignore my last question. And he said it was okay because at least my questions were not overly weird. So I asked him what's considered overly weird and he said he won't know until someone asks him.

So that started me thinking about all the weird questions I've been asked before. I think the weirdest question I've been asked before (or at least I found it super weird at the time I was asked,) is.. if I do something called.. let's just call it "Sam's Happy Time". I assume most people would have watched the Transformers movie by now, so it shouldn't be too hard to figure out what I'm talking about here. So anyway, I found it extremely weird at the time I was asked because I've never been asked such a question before and they asked it as if it's an everyday conversation topic. By the way, it was asked by some of my canoeing teammates. I suppose it's not a surprising question to ask in their secondary school, since all of them were from The Chinese High School. Yes, I was the only guy from our batch not from there.

So anyway, I suppose I need not spell out the answer here. But the surprising thing is, Hanjie never masturbated!! (omg.. I let the cat out of the bag.. lol..) Err.. Well, it was a rather funny incident. I still remember we were at Marina Square GV, going to watch some movie, and we went to the toilet and he was asking us to teach him how to do it, albeit jokingly. Though I think he was serious about never having done it before. Though I'm not too sure if he'd tried it ever since.

Okay, enough about masturbating. It's like an open secret. Something that many people do, yet no one talks about openly. So anyway, another weird question I've been asked before is if I'm gay. I was asked by Ying ying, actually. She's from St Nick's, and she claimed that it's a very common question over there to ask if one is "straight or crooked". And there happens to be some other instances of others asking me too. And I've somewhat ran out of innovative replies. Below are a few that I've used:

"I'll only be gay if you're a lesbian."

"Maybe I'm bisexual, but definitely not gay."

"Yes, I'm gay, and happy, elated, ecstatic, etc.."

"Oh my god! How did you know!?" *acts surprised*

Heh, I guess I act too childish already.. Not man enough for my age. But anyway, I suppose these 2 are the weirdest questions I've been asked before. Lol.. Till next time..

NDP Combined Rehearsal 3.

2007-07-09T19:46:00.000+08:00

Alright. I've decided to adopt this new style of talking about random stuff first before going into the main topic for my posts from now on. Actually I've already started using this style since a few posts ago, without realizing it. I think it's because I kind of enjoy reading random ramblings on others' blogs, so I figured others may also be interested in some.. things happening in my life, though most of the time they're just complaints I have about what happened to me throughout the week.

So anyway, (Here I go again. I really should stop starting sentences with "and/so/well anyway". Though I shouldn't stop stopping sentences with fullstops.) first off, the major event of the week was... NDP! Of course, what else could there have been? Let's just say, when you are preventing people from entering an area that has been cordoned off, you are also expected to be an information counter. You're supposed to have memorized the locations of each and every prominent landmark in the marina area, from marina square to the oriental hotel, from DXO to the merlion, and give directions to people who need them. And you're supposed to smile at rude civilians. Tourists included. One tourist was complaining how it shouldn't be a difficult thing to get across the road from esplanade to marina square, but for some reason, it IS difficult here in Singapore. I felt like telling him because we are Uniquely Singapore. Lol..

You'll also meet many weird people during NDP. Well, at least I did. Well, not exactly weird. Some are just.. uninformed, to say the least. There was a guy who actually asked me where they could collect the tickets for NDP. And I was like.. this guy is seriously clueless, huh? Because the ticket collection had ended for almost a week already. And there was a delivery man who was supposed to deliver some goods to a restaurant at esplanade. He somehow managed to slip through our defences and got through, but after he was stopped just outside the esplanade, he just gave up and left. He didn't even bother to try a detour that we could have suggested to him. Wonder what Fedex would have done. "We live to deliver."

Oh yeah. And one thing about NDP is, you'll be sick of eating chicken during NDP. Even though we had lunch from SFI and dinner from KFC, but both contained large portions of chicken. I know, the rations had to be Halal, but couldn't they have given something like mutton or.. fish instead? Of course, I'm referring to SFI, because you can't expect anything from KFC except chicken. And the best part is, when I got home and expected something different for supper, what was waiting for me on the dining table was.. porridge with roast chicken. Great.

But actually, I haven't really gotten sick of chicken yet. Because at least the chicken given is rather tasty. And anyway, I feel that one thing we should treasure about chickens is to enjoy chicken wings for as long as they last. I don't think it'll happen during my generation, but I predict that chicken wings will get smaller and smaller until they eventually.. disappear or something. They don't use their wings much anyway, so it should be a natural part of evolution.

It's very sad to think about how much I can complain about NDP. I'm sure it has its positive effects on many Singaporeans, and is an integral part of nation building. But it definitely isn't making me very happy. But I guess it's a very good experience. Kind of allows me to get used to all kinds of people I may meet in the future. Anyway, I actually wanted to blog about something else for this entry, but NDP took up too much space. I shall blog another entry so that this one doesn't seem too lengthy.. Hoho..

Someone Else's Theory

2007-07-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, before I go into this post's main topic, I must first say.. OMG!! Some stranger who read my blog actually complimented it!! (I'm assuming you're a stranger, because I don't really remember anyone I know who goes by the name of Tony. The closest I know is my primary school friend called Duoni. If I'm mistaken, please let me know. Haha..) I feel so flattered! Though I'd rather you make my stomach flatter. The 6-packs of Milo and Vitasoy I've been buying from NTUC doesn't seem to be helping.

So anyway, as a follow-up to my own law, I've decided to post someone else's theory. But the thing is, I don't remember who told it to me. But I find that it's quite true. And I suppose I shall not come up with any name for it, since it's not my own theory.

Well anyway, his theory states that things only become dirty after they come out of our bodies. For example, shitting. Before the shit comes out of our bodies, we don't really think of it as disgusting. It's only after the shit comes out that it's considered dirty. The same thing with pee. And saliva too, though to a much lesser extent. And vomit. Who would actually think that stomach acid mixed with food would be disgusting? Not unless it's out of our bodies. And nose dirt. Though I won't exactly say it's very clean while it's in our nose, at least it doesn't bother us until it's out. Sort of. And of course, we mustn't forget semen. Yes, it's a very.. crucial component for human survival. Though I must say, I don't think it's something very.. nice (I don't know what other word to use) to have outside the body. And don't start me talking about semen in the mouth.. Maybe it's good in the vagina, but.. Okay I think I should stop. Enough of examples for this theory. I must say, I find it to be very true.

Well anyway, today is Yiwen's birthday! But I haven't wished her happy birthday yet. I like to be the last person to wish people happy birthday. Last time, I used to like to be the first. But then i realized many people like to snatch to be first, so I might end up being 2nd, 3rd, or so on. And I should let cj have the priority. So anyway, I figured it's easier to be the last. Easier for people to remember too. And I can also surprise people, and make them think I forgot their birthday. I think I shall call her at around 11.30pm (Yes, I shall NOT use the form 2330. Civilian conversion course, here I come!) to wish her. Hope she won't be asleep by then. And I hope she won't have read this before I wish her.

Well anyway, there's still stuff I want to blog about. But I guess I'll leave them for the next entry. Most probably tomorrow. I'm supposed to be having an off-in-lieu tomorrow, but because of NDP, I'll need to go down to the Marina area again in the morning. But for now, I shall go and watch the 200 Pound Beauty DVD I just rented. Watched it halfway in the mess, but was unable to finish watching it because of.. Yes, NDP!! ARGH!! Made me waste $4 just to rent it on my own. Oh wells.. One more month and it's over..

Announcement.

2007-07-03T20:54:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not here to make an announcement on my blog. I just decided to blog about something interesting I just remembered from my primary school days. So anyway, when I was in... lower primary, I think, we had those sentence construction homework. So we were supposed to construct a sentence with the word "announced". I think what was expected of us was something like.. "The teacher announced the results to the students." But what one of my friends, Qingxi, (whom I've long lost contact with,) gave the sentence: "The announcer announced the announcement." And then he was marked wrong, because that wasn't what the teacher wanted. But I didn't see anything wrong with the sentence. It makes perfect logical sense. And it was quite intelligent, I must say. So anyway, I thought of the following similar sentences too:

"The runner ran the run."

"The singer sang the song."

"The lover loved the love."

"The worker worked the work."

"The dancer danced the dance."

"The prison imprisoned the prisoners."

"The cyclist cycled the cycle?"

"The priest pleased the.. prism?"

"The pope poked the.. pokemon?"

"The brother brushed the.. bra?"

And last but not least..

"The f***er f***ed the..... other f***er."

Well anyway, that's all for this entry. Enough crap. In fact, more than enough. At this rate, I won't have any way to salvage my reputation anymore. Lol..

You Are All Winners.

2007-07-01T19:33:00.000+08:00

The past week had been a really busy week for me. I was supposed to have guard duty on Tuesday, but swapped with Zhee Loong because I had to do standby for platoon 7 in place of Seng Yew. So I ended up doing guard duty on Thursday. And on Thursday morning, I received a call from the office, telling me that I had a guard duty on Saturday. So I ended up having guard duties on alternate days.

Well anyway, enough of the complaining. I booked out this morning and went to West Coast Recreation Centre to support Zhiqi, who was taking part in the 2007 National Junior, Men's Master & Classic Bodybuilding Championships. So anyway, for every different weight category during the finals, after they gave out the prizes, the MC would always say the same thing. "And remember, you are all winners, for you have all contributed much to the bodybuilding scene in Singapore." Or something like that. That started me thinking. There's the old saying that the journey (or process) is much more important than the result. But it doesn't really make sense when our country is so result oriented. The opinions that people form of you will all be based on your results. That's just the cruel reality, I think. No, not exactly paper qualifications. I'm definitely not one who thinks that a paper degree is almighty. There's many different results that can make a person useful besides paper qualifications. Like how Wei Yang can draw, or how Han Lin is proficient with cars, and so on.

So the thing I'm wondering is, what's the point of a bodybuilder who has a.. lousy body? What does a bodybuilder train so hard for? So that he can have a nice body and win at bodybuilding competitions, of course. I saw all the dejected faces when the results were announced. There was this guy, whose body also not very good one, (Pardon the use of Singlish. I had the sudden urge.) but then throughout the posing he damn wayang, damn noisy, damn show off, when the others were obviously better. So anyway, he was all smiles during the posing but when the results were announced and he got 4th, he just gave a glum look. Well I'm not really trying to mock him, but the thing is, he worked hard for his body, and he thought he was good, and when the results proved otherwise, I don't think it really matters to him how much he has contributed to the bodybuilding scene in Singapore.

Well anyway, Zhiqi got 4th too. But I believe he deserved better. He should have gotten at least a 3rd, if not 2nd. But well, I'm not a professional judge, so I won't have any idea why they picked the others instead of him. But honestly, his body really damn good. And anyway, there was this female judge whose arms are bigger than mine. Maybe can compete with Eugene Mui? Not too sure. But honestly, I don't really like the idea of muscular girls.

Anyway, the very sad thing about today is that I didn't bring along a camera, because I went straight to the venue from camp. Hence I have no pictures to post. Yuheng must be really sad. But then again, I'm not too sure if he'd like to see photos of bodybuilders.

And anyway, Today is Kasster's birthday! I should be there celebrating it with our clique now, but unfortunately, I don't have much time because I'm DS tomorrow. (Makes me wonder why the pioneers still want to get a DS when they get a new one everyday. Okay.. I know, I know.. It's lame..) And I'm super tired from guard duty. Or guard duties, rather. And I thought Zhiqi's competition would be a morning event. Didn't know that it'd drag all the way into the afternoon.

So anyway, I've been somewhat inspired by the competition to work towards a better body. I've been getting much fatter, and much weaker. But maybe I shouldn't bother, since in the end.. We are all winners.

(Note: Just kidding. I will NEVER allow my body to degenerate into a piece of fat slob that I must drag around like a.. bag of jelly. Okay, that's a rather bad analogy, but you get the point..)

Quarterlife Crisis

2007-06-22T20:56:00.000+08:00

Well, according to the book given to me by cj n yw on my birthday, "Lose Weight! Get Laid! Find God!", which is a life planner for anyone from birth to the age of 100, (it's actually a humour book,) I'm supposed to have a quarterlife crisis only at 25. I guess I'm having it prematurely now. But then again, I was supposed to develop a crush on my teacher at age 11, (which I didn't,) and lose my virginity at age 17, (which I haven't,) so I suppose it's alright for me to jumble up the sequence a little. (For the full list of events at each age, click HERE. For the authors' [there are 2 of them] website, click HERE.) And another thing is, according to statistics, left handers live 7 years less than right handers on average, so I suppose it's to be expected that my quarterlife crisis would come much sooner. But well, 70% of all statistics are made up, including this 70% I'm talking about here, so I don't know if I'll really die sooner.

Well anyway, I shall blame all my past emo entries on this quarterlife crisis. I haven't really sorted stuff out, actually. And I recently realized I've been a frog living in a well. I thought I knew much, until a few recent revelations revealed otherwise. And then I realize how little I knew about the people around me. Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. Now that I know just slightly more, there's already a whole pot of feelings churning inside me. No, I shall not be emo anymore. Stoicism is the way to go! Haha, not really, but.. I suppose showing any unhappiness won't really do me or anyone around me any good. I suppose some people might advise me to think positive, but sometimes, things are easier said than done. I shall see how things go from here on..

And I'm so glad that someone who owns a blog that provides t-shirt personalization printing services has advertised on my blog by posting a comment in the previous post. In Portuguese. Thanks to Google translate, I managed to get the idea that he liked that entry and hence decided to publicize his own blog on mine. I doubt he even understands English. No matter. I shall not delete the comment so that I can be reminded of what readers I actually have. Perhaps as they say, what goes around comes around. Spammed to much on Eddie's tagboard, I guess. But even Eddie seemed to be enjoying the spam, heh..

Well, I suppose that's all for now. Perhaps I'll get to blog about some interesting stuff that happens during this NDP period.. Tomorrow we'll be taking part in the first combined rehearsal. I'll be looking forward to seeing the ugly side of Singaporeans.. Heh..

Filbert's Law of Deliverance Assumption

2007-06-17T20:32:00.001+08:00

I came up with this law some time ago, but I just came up with a name for it so I decided to blog about it now. I was intending to call it a theory at first, but then I decided it's more of a law since it's definitely always true.

So anyway, "Filbert's Law of Deliverance Assumption" states that when someone allows himself/herself to get into an undesirable situation, he/she assumes that he/she will be able to return to his/her original state, or even better. Perhaps "deliverance" isn't such a good word, but i wanted something more sophisticated than "recovery" for my law.

Well anyway, this law can be applied in many different situations. The one that most guys who have gone through NS can relate to is that of outfield experience. When we go outfield for an exercise, there is the underlying assumption that we will be able to return to camp at the end of it all and wash up after being dirty for days. Another situation is that when we go swimming, we assume that our bags will not get stolen and we will be able to get dressed again. When we shit, we assume that the toilet paper will be enough for us to clean our asshole. (I didn't really feel like using this word, but I can't think of a simile. Oh! Anus.. oh well..) When we bathe, we assume that the water will not stop running and you suddenly find yourself covered in soap and unable to wash it off. When you take the lift, you assume that the lift will not spoil and trap you inside for hours.

There's still many instances I can add on to the list above, but I suppose that's enough. If you agree or disagree with my law, please comment! =D

Lion Heart.

2007-06-10T18:54:00.000+08:00

Okay the first video shows Squall's most powerful limit break in FF8, Lion Heart. Imagine the damage we'll be taking this coming week. (Note: Internal joke. Ask me if you want to know the details.) The second video is my favourite song from SMAP, titled らいおんハート. ("Lion Heart". For those who understand japanese, don't ask me why "Lion" is written in hiragana. I have no idea.) It's not that hard for it to be my favourite SMAP song, considering I've only heard 2 songs from SMAP before. (The other being 君色思い, "Your Colourful Thoughts", or something like that. It's the opening theme for Akazukin Cha Cha.)

Actually, I don't really have much to blog about this week. I didn't put any thought into trying to discuss about a topic. I suppose sometimes I must give my brain a rest. But I do feel rather calm this week. Thanks Lydia and Yiwen for your concern!! And all others who showed concern too, btw. But yeah, I'm alright now.. Guess I've been thinking too much lately. And I need to go to the GSS!! Haha..

Untitled.

2007-06-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

WARNING: SUPER LONG ENTRY

There's too many different topics I'm touching on in this entry, and thus I couldn't give a title to it. My emotions seem to be going downhill all the way, like plunging into some deep quicksand that I can't seem to climb out. And it doesn't really help when you know people are bitching about you behind your back.

Perhaps it's fate. [EDIT]This entire chunk has been removed due to censorship issues.[/EDIT] And that started me thinking. For until now, I've always thought I'm actually quite well accepted by my platoon. But then again, "知人,知面,不知心", and thus I started doubting myself.

Come to think of it, I don't really know what to believe in anymore. I know it's not right of me to doubt them, but I don't even know what my subordinates think of me. For one thing is, even out there in the working world, subordinates will tend to refrain from showing their unhappiness with their superiors, so as not to affect their working relationship. I suppose there has to be some truth in what Ronald Seen has said, since he had no reason to make up lies in such a situation.

I've sort of stopped bitching about others for some time now. I'm not trying to portray myself as a saint, but seriously, I don't really see any point in bitching anymore. Sure, you get to vent your anger on someone you don't like, and maybe rally support in your campaign against that particular person. But does it really make you happier? I don't think so. That's why I don't bother anymore. [EDIT]Censored.[/EDIT]

I've actually had this notion for some time now, which is to try to make people happy. That's why nowadays, in many situations where I could possibly start an argument with someone, I choose to take a passive stand and just remain stoical, leaving the unhappiness for myself. But that's only when it comes to my own problems. I hope I won't let my subordinates down, or at least try my best to fight for them when it is right to do so.

I wanted to blog about this dream I had a few weeks ago right after I had it, but decided not do, but now I've decided to blog it again. It occurred a few days after I supposedly caused Ronald Seen to fail. He was in the dream, along with others I couldn't remember. But the gist of the dream was that he wasn't unhappy with me anymore, even though I didn't apologize to him in the dream, because I still felt I didn't do anything wrong. I was glad and relieved, but then I awoke.

Anyway the song in the video above is 失意 (Amnesia) by Fish Leong. I put it firstly because it's nice, and secondly, because I feel that the song lyrics suit me very well at this moment. "得了失意可能对你我都好". There's so many things that are troubling my mind now that it may not be such a bad idea to forget all my troubles. I don't like being an escapist, which is why the only way to get away from my troubles is for me to have amnesia. Not remembering Ronald Seen (and others) hating me, not remembering all the wrong I've done, not remembering people I don't want to remember, whether it's because I love them too much or hate them too much (then again, I don't really hate anyone that much anymore). It doesn't seem like such a bad thing. But then again, I'll probably regret losing memories of all my friends, all those people and things important to me. I guess it's impossible to have the best of both worlds.

But sometimes when I think of some people and I know that they aren't thinking of me, I wish I could stop thinking of them. There's the saying that the most painful feeling is to have the person you love right beside you and yet he/she doesn't know. For me, the distance is great, but the feeling doesn't seem to diminish.

Anyway, the picture above was created by.. someone. He told me he dedicated it to me, but meant it as a joke. I know he doesn't mean anything bad, because if he did, he wouldn't have sent it to me. I actually find it quite funny, instead of offending. If you can't tell what it means, I won't bother explaining.

I just saw Jun Kai online and approached him, and it was my first time talking to him online because he's seldom online, albeit a very short conversation. He told me his friend just passed away and he was busy, so I left him alone and didn't inquire further. Life is unpredictable. I think I should try to complete FFX soon and return Zhang Yan his guide. I guess I should start doing what I need to do, instead of assuming that there's still much time left.

For some reason, I don't feel that sad at this point in time. It's amazing how my mood can change from the start until the end of typing an entry. Mood swings are here again. At least for now I feel calm, and I suppose I should enjoy this feeling for as long as it lasts. =D

Getting too close.

2007-05-31T20:26:00.000+08:00

This is the song that caused me to fall in love with Mayday. It's called Chun Zhen, translated as.. Innocence. I first heard it on tv years ago, when Channel U first aired and it was the ending theme for one of their drama serials.

This song describes my current feelings very well. Relationships between people (not just the couple kind) can be rather.. intimidating. The thing is, I don't like getting too close to people. It gives me a false sense of security. I guess it's the same for many people. You get close to someone, you end up liking them too much, whether as a platonic friend or more, and you'll end up being very sad when you are parting.

Let me translate the final chorus of the song:
"You already have him/her, so you shouldn't have me anymore
The world's innocence, in this instance, has been mesmerized by you
I think I should gently release your hand
But I don't have the strength to do so.."

Hmm.. I suppose it's not that easy to walk away sometimes, especially when it's walking away from things important to you. That's why I don't really like the idea of getting too close to things that/people whom I will eventually lose. Sure, I can be very happy for some time, but the trauma later will be.. unbearable.

I've been getting REALLY emo lately. So much so that even I think my posts have gotten rather eccentric. But I can't help it. Like i said two entries ago, I can't control the way I think. And it doesn't help that I'm anticipating something to happen, waiting for disappointment to arrive. I'm really confused by my own thoughts. I don't know why I'm looking forward to getting disappointed. I think I don't even know myself anymore.

Yesterday.

2007-05-27T17:28:00.001+08:00

I was thinking of just forsaking this entry, since I was supposed to have blogged it yesterday, but was so busy with playing Bleach 4 that I neglected to do so. But well, since this entry is meant to talk about yesterday's yesterday, I suppose it's right for me to post is today instead of yesterday, if you get what I mean.

Well anyway, this is another one of those entries where I don't talk about anything in particular. I just want to say that I was rather happy on Friday, 'coz of certain stuff that happened. But for some reason I became rather unhappy yesterday, and after visiting Friendster just a while ago I feel even worse. I'm having mood swings not unlike that of PMS. Perhaps that's why I just wrote an entry on my thoughts, because I can't really control my unhappiness. But who knows? Maybe I'll be super happy again tomorrow. I don't know what's happening to me recently. Desires and fear abound, to say the very least. For some reason, when something good happens to me, which caused me to be happy, I get apprehensive. For one thing I've been taught to remember is that when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Guess this is what's causing my moodiness.

Another thing is, when you're being coerced into doing what you do not desire and people are unable to see from your viewpoint and do not realize that what you are doing is.. *fill in the blank 'coz I don't know what to say*, things start to get messy. Certain things can't be helped. Perhaps that's why they say it's not a good idea to have more than a working relationship with your subordinates.

Okay, my mood swing is suddenly getting out of hand. I'm having a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness at the same time now. Weekends are always like that. When you have too much time on your hands, your mind starts to wander, and you end up with strange thoughts. Maybe all the static electricity from the computer is doing my brain harm. Time to get some rest.

Thinking about Thinking.

2007-05-27T16:49:00.000+08:00

I suppose there comes a point (or many points, i think) in everyone's life where one starts thinking about what goes on in our heads. Or perhaps I'm just thinking too much.

One thing is, I've started analyzing the way I think about things for quite some time now. Yes, thinking about thinking. To elaborate, I think about why or how come I think the way I do. For there is one thing that I've come to realize. It's impossible (to me, at least) to control your thoughts. You might argue that of course it's possible, such as controlling your anger, or stop yourself from crying. But that's different. Those emotions are the effects of our thoughts, their manifestation. Sure, you can stop the shouting and random throwing of objects, but does that mean you're no longer angry? You can stop crying, but that doesn't mean you're not sad anymore. We're just taught to control the manifestation of our thoughts and emotions.

An even more obvious case would be that of non-emotional thoughts. (This is great. I've now started coining my own terms.) Or rather, it's more like a.. desire-related thought, or addiction thought, since you could consider desire as an emotion. For example, you think of some particular game all day long, one that you've been playing for some time now, and now you want more. Or a very nice manga you've been reading. Or some particular person who catches your eye. It's not something you can easily stop thinking about, especially when the feeling is strong. One of the few ways to stop thinking is to keep yourself busy. Either with work or with other thoughts. But once you aren't busy anymore, the thoughts come back.

Hence, I've given up trying to control my thoughts. As the song above, Remember to Forget (by S.H.E.), says in it's lyrics, "People can't control who they fall in love with, but at least they can decide whether to give up or not", it's not possible to control what you desire. As a side thought, I bet this piece of writing will get a super lousy grade for GP even with perfect grammar, since I couldn't be bothered to find synonyms for words such as "control", "possible", "thoughts", etc. and hence am repeating them like they will cease to exist tomorrow. But anyway, as I was saying, I'm not just referring to people. You can't really stop yourself from desiring your dream car, for example. But I suppose the "giving up" part is more for people, because you won't really need to give up you favourite game, or manga, or continue dreaming about your dream car, etc.

Another thought on thoughts that I have is the title of the song itself. Our memory seems to like to work in a funny way. It remembers all the things you don't want it to, yet forgets all the details that you'd like to remember. And the more you try to forget, the more the thought will stay. I can't remember the ideal gas equation, which I've been made to memorize two years ago, but I certainly can't forget being punished by a Chinese teacher in primary school. It's not a very pleasant experience, but I guess I'm stuck with it forever. But that's certainly not the only thing I'd like to forget.

Okay, my last thought on thoughts is that I've run out of thoughts to think about. Thoughts are certainly still running through my brain, but I've nothing much left to think about them. Till next time.

Normalcy.

2007-05-20T18:43:00.000+08:00

Weird word that looks weird. I think Chester will doubt there's actually such a word, just as he has doubted (and is still doubting) [with] "constancy" [and purpose] (Anderson's Sec Sch motto).

So now.. What is considered normal? Different people have different ways of viewing things, as always. Some think that I should try to control my lameness so that I'll be like any other "normal" spec. But well, I don't think that being lame means that I'm eccentric. The thing is, people view "normal" as being part of the norm. If the majority of our society is lame, I believe the general consensus would be that lame people are "normal". Who knows? That day might come some day.

It's the same thing with homosexuality. Many people view homosexuals as "abnormal" or something, because they don't fit in with the norm. But what if one day, the population composition shifts such that the majority are homosexual people, (I won't really comment on my thoughts on such a future, so as to be politically correct.) then would they still be considered to be "abnormal"? Okay maybe talking about gays and lesbians isn't such a popular example, but the idea is there.

But anyway, even if that's really the way things turn out, I don't think it'll really be good news for governments dealing with aging populations. And according to some homophobic, zealous Christians, "God created Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve". Not that they are wrong there.

Maybe I should stop talking about such a taboo topic. But then again, that proves my point. It's taboo because people think it's not "normal". Well anyway, I watched Blades of Glory yesterday. It's another one of those funny lame movies that one watches with friends to laugh at to relieve stress. The kind that I like when I'm not in the mood to think too much. The story tells of how a male-male pair of figure skaters made it to the finals in a competition that traditionally only sees male-female pairs. And thus, this again shows how "abnormal" people can still succeed. But then again, it's just a fictional story. But of course, another thing that the movie brought up is about how "normal" guys are supposed to look. Like how one of the interviewees exclaimed, "That blond chick is a DUDE?!", while referring to Jimmy. But you can't blame him. I'd have the same thought too if I were to see such.. *silenced for political correctness* But then again, Jimmy's image in the movie is still considered quite mild.

As a side note to end this entry, we came across this cafe/bookshop place in Chinatown called Whatever after watching the movie. It reminded me of the new Anything/Whatever drinks. But anyway, the point is, there's apparently quite a few books on Karma Sutra there, including one titled "A Visual Guide to Karma Sutra". Provocative..

Death Note.

2007-05-13T18:56:00.000+08:00

Okay it might seem as if I didn't post an entry last weekend, but I actually did. But there seems to be some server problems with Blogger, and when I tried to submit my post on rainbows, it just totally.. rid me of the efforts I put into blogging that entry. I knew something was wrong when the Dashboard and the "Create Post" pages look weird. And now it's been more than a week since I've seen that rainbow in camp, so I don't feel like talking about it anymore. And it's been more than a week since the pages look weird and it's still the same. And now I'm left with an empty post that I can't delete. It says there's a problem with the server and a technician has been notified. I had expected better efficiency from Google. Sometimes I just love Blogger.

Well anyway, on to my entry today. Was wondering if I should call this entry "Fate" instead, but decided to leave that for another time. There's been many.. queer deaths lately, if you've read the news. Which makes me wonder how those people happened to be at those locations at those particular times meeting with those accidents. Maybe it's fate. Or something like the Death Note. Well maybe not the Death Note, but.. perhaps there really is an otherworldly figure who controls the lives and deaths of us humans.

I mean, who would've ever expected a plane to crash just like that? And at that exact spot where those people were located at that exact time. I am certainly not mocking the deaths of those involved, but I definitely am wondering how life (or death, for this matter) can be so unpredictable.

And when you decide to use your body to block a STATIONARY cab from driving off, the event with the highest probability of occurring is that the driver will stop short of hitting you. It's not as if he was already heading in your direction at a high speed, or had the intent of killing. But Murphy always wins, I guess.

Actually I've always had this thought since the time the CITI instructor quoted us an accident. "Freak accident", he called it. There just happened to be this guy who walked between two vehicles parked on a slope, with the vehicle in front being a truck whose driver forgot to put on the handbrake. I don't think I need to complete the story. What was the probability that the truck would start moving when the guy was just walking through the two vehicles anyway? Some things are just unbelievable.

And all this made me realize something: Life is precious. Makes me wonder how I ever contemplated suicide when I was in Sec 2. Or was that in Sec 1? Can't remember. Must be the hormones. Perhaps in future I will become rich and famous, (but then again, what's the probability?) then I can set up something similar to the Dove Self-Esteem Fund, but not to educate girls about real beauty, but to educate boys about.. hmm I don't really know. Lol. Maybe about how not to contemplate suicide when a girl rejects or decides to dump you.

Life is precious. But like what Yuheng said, the most important thing is to die with no regrets. It doesn't really matter when one passes, as long as the journey is fulfilling and you've touched the people around you.

Cock.

2007-04-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

Yes. This entry is dedicated for talking cock. And showing some cock pictures too. Not literally, though. And I just have the sudden urge to say that I bet Gervinn can't view my blog now (not that he does so in the first place) because his mum has family filter for his internet connection, so I bet it filters out the word "cock". Well anyway, here goes..

Today was supposed to be our off-in-lieu for the Formation Anniversary Parade, but all of us had to attend a compulsory "company retreat". And I thought they taught us that Our Army NEVER retreats. We only retrograde. Hoho. Okay fine, I know this "retreat" means a different thing, but well, I'm just talking cock here. But anyway, at least it was quite a constructive day, and I had quite some fun at night. And I bet Yuheng will love this post, since there are so many pictures. Here goes:

Guess whose big butt the left one is.. (You can guess the small butt on the left if you like..)

Akira with his cute little 10-year-old brother, Akida. Happy Family!

Coy 2IC with his wife & daughter. Yet another Happy Family!!

Here's another clue to the identity of the butt owners..

Shing just went Siloso Beach to suntan. Let's compare it with Kah Meng's indoor tan..

Check out the bee hoon dropping out from Zhee Loong's mouth..

Yes!! The butt belongs to Alvin Toh!! (And Eddie, if you actually bothered about the insignificant butt..)

Girls would definitely be sad to see that the "I can get a girlfriend with just one phone call" Rui Qiang has actually fallen for Eddie..

It's amazing what you can do by taking a photo of section 3 without Victor..

..and then taking a photo of Victor..

..and then edit them with Photoshop. Yes, it could have looked better, but I can't be bothered to put in too much effort.

Last photo of the day. Various specs from the company leaving together. (Yes I know.. Aldrin & Choon Teck don't wear specs..)

And so, the company retreat ended on a high note. Except for the part where Issey decided to forsake us at the last minute as he had to fetch his girlfriend and did not have enough fuel to make the additional trip, which ended up in some of us having to take taxi to the MRT. Actually, I wasn't really that pissed with Issey. It's just that I got to see the ugly side of SOME PEOPLE. And I can't blame them, because I might have done the same thing. But it just didn't feel right, so i guess I wouldn't have done it after all. Not unless it was a mutual agreement or something. But well, what matters is, we had a fun day. And it'll be one of those memories I will be able to look back upon after our departure.

Change.

2007-04-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

That's "Stay the Same" by Joey McIntyre. I've loved this song since its release in 1999. The music video is rather.. no link though. Yes, it's old. But I don't categorize songs by whether they are "new" or "old". I prefer "nice" and "not nice".

Eugene (Yes, your name is finally significant enough to appear on my blog. Happy?) said that he and Nicholas think I've changed. For the better, it seems. Which is weird, because I haven't noticed. Neither have I put in any effort to change. But either case, I'm glad that things are the way they are now. At least between me and the rest. Or most of them, at least.

Some relationships may have flourished, but others.. Well, I guess some things are better left unsaid. It's amazing how some problems can just surface so easily. Human emotions are hard to fathom, to say the least. I've tried talking to some of those in conflict, but they don't seem the least bit interested in relenting. I wonder how much longer this can go on.

I've never wanted to change my behaviour. Because I believe that I do not need to change myself to suit the world, as long as I do not do anyone any wrong. Which was why I insisted on commanding by respect, not by fear. Which ended in people having the impression that I've "crossed the line". But either case, now that we have turned ops, no one really bothers with punishment anymore. I haven't changed much, really. My interpretation would be that their impression of me has changed. But one thing's for sure. I'm still not interested in them talking about Battlefield 2142. FPS games are just not my type.

Even though I've never wanted to change my behaviour, I've always tried to change the way I look. I suppose it's human nature to want to look one's best. Especially in a world where everyone judges everyone else by the way they look (read: superficial). Or at least at first. I'm guilty of this crime too, but I'm sure most of us are. And it doesn't really help when I've never been attached. I'm not despo, really. It's just that, it makes me feel that something must be horribly wrong with my looks when EVEN SOME PEOPLE are attached. Because many people have commented that I'm a nice guy. Hoho. Bragging about myself on my blog. Well anyway, if there's nothing much wrong with my character, I suppose I don't look too good. How nice of me to display my level of self-esteem (or lack of it, rather) on my blog. Imagine if my future potential employers were to read this. Well, I have absolutely no doubt in my abilities. It's just that I think there's much room for improvement for my looks.

I'd wish to stay the same too, if only I looked better.

Sorry seems to be...

2007-04-15T21:08:00.000+08:00

...the easiest word. At least it definitely isn't the hardest, despite what the song might say. In our culture, it seems like almost everyone expects to be forgiven once they say the magical word. So much so that it has lost it's significance. Done something wrong? Just say sorry. That's what everyone was taught to do, so it should be right, isn't it? But what's the purpose of saying sorry when you don't mean it? Some people know me for my saying of "Don't say sorry unless you REALLY mean it." Because nowadays, many people just say sorry for the sake of saying it, thinking that the victim will forgive him/her. But that doesn't work for me. It's like saying happy birthday when it's not your birthday. Okay, that's a rather bad analogy, but the point is, I don't like it when people say sorry solely for the purpose of attempting to dissolve the awkwardness. If, and when, I say sorry, there can be two possible scenarios. Firstly, which is usually the case, it is when I'm really sorry for what I've done. The other less desirable scenario is when I can't really be bothered about what the other party thinks and say it simply maintain the status quo and avoid conflict. In other cases, if I feel I haven't done anything wrong, or if I don't feel guilty, I won't bother to say sorry. Because I don't like to be a hypocrite.

It's not just about saying sorry. When you want to say something nice, make sure you mean it. From my grandma's wake, I've come to conclude that all the people and organizations who sent wreaths, which were addressed to my uncle, didn't mean what they said. All of them came from the same template. Basically, all of them wrote, "(Deepest condolences / Heartfelt sympathy and deepest condolences / Deepest sympathy and condolences) on the demise of you beloved mother." So, the question is.. whose sympathy and condolences are the deepest then? None, I guess. But I don't suppose there's much else to say during such times. But again, my point is, don't say it unless you REALLY mean it.

Good Friday.

2007-04-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

Good Friday. It was the day Jesus redeemed us, as Christians believe. It was the day my grandmother passed away. And yes, I did cry.

There was supposed to another entry in place of this one. Darth Kinky had mentioned that my blog entries were too serious, so I was intending to change my style a little for a new entry. But I can't really keep up my humour right now. Maybe next time.

Desires. Again.

2007-04-01T21:26:00.000+08:00

Alright I bitched too much in the previous entry that I've actually forgotten to discuss about other more important issues regarding desires. It's amazing how the desire to bitch can make me forget about what I had originally planned for the previous post. Hence, this entry exists to correct that horrible mistake.

I don't know how I managed to leave this out the previous time, but the crux of my previous entry was supposed to be about universal desires. For it seems to me that, even though different people have different desires, the desires tend to revolve around general.. stereotypes. It seems like the wrong word to use, but I have no idea what other word I can use to express my thoughts.

An example of these "universal desires" would be the desire for love. It is manifested in different forms for different individuals, but I think it is one of the basic, universal desires that all humans.. desire. It is the reason why we make friends, why we get attached with a boyfriend/girlfriend, and even how we seek understanding from family members. However, different people do it differently. When in need of love, some choose to seek solace in members of the opposite sex, while others choose to confide in their closest friends.

But whatever the case is, I think the reason why each of us desire for love is simple: It is the need to feel important. Being loved would mean that somebody actually cares that you are alive. The thing is, most of us do not just want to merely exist. We want to know that somebody actually needs us, just as much as we need them. That gives us a reason to live on. At least that's how I feel. This idea seems to have been explored in Naruto, where what many of the shinobi (e.g. Naruto, Haku, Gaara, and the list goes on..) wanted was to feel important, to find meaning for them to exist.

Another one of the universal desires, i suppose, would be the desire for money, for we are living in a very materialistic world, where it seems impossible to pass a day without any expenditure. But again, this desire is manifested differently for different people. Especially when you split people into different income groups. I suppose rich people don't desire for money as much as poor people, since they already have much of it. But then again, I'm reminded of this famous statement made by the Oracle from the Matrix trilogy: "What do men with power want? More power." So I guess it would be unfair to generalize. But the point is, all of us want money. Be it greed or simply for survival.

There's more examples of these "universal desires" that I can give, such as the desire to look good, the desire to make a difference, (I'm sure most of us thought of it some time or another) etc. But all these desires boil down to one desire: The desire for happiness. Why do we want love? To be happy. Why do we want money? To be happy. The truth is, what most of us want is simply to be happy. It seems very vague, but that's how it's meant to be, for different people have different measures for happiness. For me, I don't really know what can make me happy. I'm still trying to find out. Maybe for me, it'll be one of those things which will elude me the harder I try to find it, for until now, it still seems rather far away. Or maybe it's simply because I don't know when to be contented. Either case, I guess I'll carry on searching for my own happiness.

N.B.: YES!!! I DIDN'T BITCH AT ALL IN THIS ENTRY!! W00T!! (Oh man I sound so childish..)

Desires.

2007-03-25T20:52:00.000+08:00

My blog has become more of a place to bitch about stuff than I'd like it to have been. After having digressed (read: bitched) too much in the past few entries, I shall return to discussing about issues close to my heart.

Desires are what drive us on in our lives. It may not seem obvious if you don't put much thought into it, but that's what I've come to realize. Why do we study? Because we desire good results. Or maybe it's our parents' desire. Why do we work? Because we desire money. Why do we make friends? Because we desire companionship. Why do we have sex? Because we desire pleasure. Let me digress a little. I read before that there are only two species of animals that have sex for pleasure. The first, of course, is the human species. I don't remember what the other species is. It could be dolphins. Not that it matters. The point is, most of the things that we do voluntarily (and that excludes NS, unless you're a regular) are driven by desires.

Speaking of being a regular, I am being reminded of the issue about "extending ORD". For you see, it isn't as simple as merely "extending ORD". The JEDi has made inquiries regarding the matter, and has made the information known to us. And thus we were enlightened on the fact that "extending ORD" requires "signing on" for at least six months. And the JEDi, with his titanic mouth, (I wanted to use the word big, but I figured that would be an understatement.) had made known the fact that one of his 2ICs had CONSIDERED "extending ORD" to his whole platoon. In fact, the JEDi made it sound as if he was CERTAINLY signing on. In fact, he has already decided not to do so. But since the JEDi had been so kind as to find out the details of "extending ORD", he replied that he would think about it, so as not to make the JEDi think that his efforts were wasted.

So anyway, "extending ORD" means getting regular pay for six months. And doing what we've been doing for another six months. And spending another six months with the JEDi, learning how to master the Force and use it to piss everyone off. You might think the JEDi would cease to exist before that. But the thing is, the JEDi's really considering signing on!! In addition to that, our men will view us differently. Like how platoon eight men will automatically march properly in the presence of a regular. I don't require such attention. Hence, i most certainly prefer my irregularity.

There I go bitching about stuff again. But at least a good portion (read: the top) of this entry isn't about bitching. And the second part has it's relevance too: My desire, is to be free.

Gratitude.

2007-03-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

This entry was supposed to come before the previous one, but I forgot. But anyway, this entry is actually to thank the people who have helped me in one way or another to pass SOC. Though I don't think they'll actually end up reading, I just thought it'd be nice to show my gratitude here, even after actually thanking them in person (except for one of them, and it should be obvious who it is from the people I am going to list). If you're not interested in who I'd like to thank, you can always skip to the last paragraph, where there might be something interesting.

Firstly, and most importantly, I must thank Yen Shong. If not for him, I doubt I'd have been able to get the timing that I did. It's not really fast, but it would have been much slower without him. He didn't just pace me for my first attempt, but also the subsequent one, which I passed. Despite having only paced me after the obstacles, it was nevertheless what I really needed, because it's after the obstacles that I was really tired.

Also, Boon Bin helped too, by encouraging me at the low rope. Though I usually can already clear it without any problem, his words gave me that extra boost. At least I think so. Haha..

Alright I'm not sure who else there is left for me to thank. So let me go on ahead to thank that special someone. And it is none other than.. Planet! Just the thought of him giving his sarcastic remarks on failing SOC was the enough drive. But somehow it wasn't enough to help me pass the first time round. But at least now I don't have to worry about his comments anymore.

Well, there's actually more to gratitude that what I've discussed here, but my brain isn't really functioning well today. I just forced out this entry for the sake of thanking people. Perhaps I'd blog another entry to augment this one next time. But to close this entry, I shall just provide a little insight on the identity of the person I was discussing about in the previous post. He has the closest working relationship with the person who antagonized me in Go Ahead. Laugh. In fact, the one who antagonized me cried in front of others before too. But I hope that even if you realize that you know these people, you won't change your impressions of them. Everyone has cried before, after all.

Cry.

2007-03-18T11:24:00.000+08:00

Firstly, let me say that, if you've already read my previous post and realized how bad my memory is, you should understand when I say that I've forgotten the topics I'd wanted to discuss for the "blogging frenzy" thing. Perhaps they will return to my brain some day, but I'm not too sure.

Well anyway, this entry wasn't originally meant to be the opposite of Go ahead. Laugh., but I guess it ties in nicely. But the thing here is, this time, I wasn't the one who was crying. Come to think of it, I haven't been crying for myself for quite some time already. The previous time I cried was when I was watching some damn sad movie, I think. I can't even remember the previous time I cried for myself. But I am a rather emotional person, and can cry when overwhelmed by emotions, even if I'm not sad.

It's somewhat hard to say everything that I would like to say, given that I know who reads my blog. But one thing is for sure. To protect the identity of that particular individual whom I'm discussing about, I won't be using his name. I can't even say where he's from, or people will start guessing.

It was the first time I saw him cry, and to add on to that, I was the only one to witness him cry. His will always seemed so strong, that he was one of the last people I would expect to see crying. I suppose that just goes to show that everyone has a soft side.

What happened was, a very disappointing event occurred to him, and that was the trigger for the sadness he had kept within. And he actually told me about certain things that I cannot divulge here, even though we aren't really the closest of friends. I was quite startled when he just burst out crying. Well I mean, if it was a girl, then I'd just lend her my shoulder to cry on, that is if she doesn't mind. I don't know, but embracing someone who is crying seems like a natural thing to do. But anyway, all I ended up doing was try to console him. But I'm not that smooth a talker, so.. but I suppose I did fine to help calm him down. First I told him, "Don't cry..", but then I realized he's really sad, so I said, "Just cry it all out.." Haha I guess I'm really inexperienced..

I know, my blog entries have always been very vague. But what can I do? Identities have to be protected, regardless of anything else. But the lesson here (if you can consider this a lesson in the first place) is, we shouldn't keep our emotions bottled up until it all erupts during a breakdown. It does help to share them with others, instead of bearing all the load by yourself. But guess what? I'm a hypocrite for having said the above. This is one of the few things that I cannot practise what I preach.

Memories.

2007-03-13T22:31:00.001+08:00

This entry is dedicated to my worst attribute. If you know me well, I somehow remember the most useless stuff but forget all the most important. It's made my life somewhat troublesome, since there's been many instances when I forget to bring along something i need for proper performance of my job. There's too many such times for me to remember, let alone reproduce here. Such is the ability of my memory.

Actually, I only have one main point for my entry this time. Because it seems to me that, the harder you try to forget something, the more impossible it is to do so. Ironic, isn't it? Be it the first crush you ever had, how you were rejected by the him/her, how your best friend was no longer your best friend, how your team lost the race due to some idiotic starter. The harder I try to forget all these, the more they insist on being a part of my memory. It's only when you don't bother trying, and keep yourself busy with other stuff, that the thought slowly slips away. Notice I used the word "thought". For the slightest trigger can easily invoke such thoughts again. I suppose all these will forever be etched on my mind, and remain a part of my memory. In fact, just a meek effort to recall has enabled me to remember all the examples I listed above.

I shall start on the nonsense now, since I've finished discussing my main point. Firstly, there are things that I can hardly remember, no matter how hard I try. I don't know if it applies to most other people as well, or specifically to me. But it seems to me that events are much easier to remember than facts. As in, I don't need much effort to remember things that happen to me, but names, formulas, and other similar facts basically enter my brain so that they can leave. A good analogy would be Singapore's port industry. We are one of the world's best ports of call. Goods enter our shores so that they can be exported to other countries. I'm amazed I actually remember this fact. No, just joking.

I can't remember where this came from, but there are these five principles of memory. Principles meaning that if these conditions are achieved, it will b easier to remember things. They are recentness, similarity, difference, repetitions and.. I can't remember the last one. Or mayb there were only four to begin with. Damn, my memory.. But anyway, just a brief explanation on what these four imply. The more recent something happened, the easier it is to remember. When something is very similar or very different from what you already know, it also becomes easy to remember. And obviously, if you keep experiencing something, it will naturally be easier to remember. Well, maybe not that natural. When you keep experiencing something, be it exam revision or doing drills, it is usually forced. Not that natural after all, huh?

Anyway, if you haven't already realized the purpose of the above two paragraphs, they are simply there to increase the volume of content for this entry. But at least they are related. But anyway, as a closing statement, this will be the last entry on a weekday in a long time, since I will be staying in from tomorrow onwards and will only be able to blog during weekends. Hope I won't get too lazy to blog on weekends. Oh no, that's an extra sentence after my closing statement! And another! And another! And.. Damn, I'm childish.. =P

Hatred.

2007-03-08T21:07:00.000+08:00

I've decided to start a.. tradition on my blog to have direct opposites for my entries. This is obviously the direct opposite of love. Like love, hatred is something that we don't really show to the people whom the feeling is directed against. But unlike love, which is usually expressed when you would like to further your relationship with the person, hatred is usually expressed only when you're certain that you can do without any help or support that the person may render.

But before I go into the main topic, let me just update a little on my life happenings. I'd actually wanted to go on a blogging frenzy today, by discussing three topics in a single day. But I'm feeling a little down, mostly because of my SOC results. Failed second year timing. But I'm surprised that I actually managed to maintain my timing despite not having done SOC for half a year. Hopefully I'll pass in the next one or two tries. But the problem is, there won't be one coming up anytime soon. And my fitness will drop. And I'll end up getting an even worse timing. The cycle of failing.

I also seem rather unlucky today. My EZ-link card actually spoilt. Now I'll have to get a replacement done. I hope it won't be too much trouble. My stuff seems to be spoiling every now and then. First my PS2. Then my PSP analog nub. And now this. What next?

Okay back to the topic. I actually decided to touch on hatred instead of the other topics (which I will eventually write when the time comes, perhaps this weekend), as a tribute to SOME people. Well it's because of SOME people that I'm running out of time, which is the other reason why I'm not going on a blogging frenzy. Well I may have made the same decision if I were them, but I do not see the need to give so many excuses to deny help. A simple "no" would have sufficed. Excuses is one of the few things that everyone likes to give but no one likes to receive. I used to be guilty of such acts too, but recently I've changed. As least I think I have. I've learnt the importance of taking responsibility. And I've witnessed the kind of excuses that SOME OTHER people (e.g. Rubber Ben) can give just to avoid trouble. It reminded me of how Neo dodged bullets in "The Matrix".

Well I can't really say I hate those SOME people. Like everything else, love and hatred should not be seen as polar opposites. I've read before that we should not see things as "black" or "white", but rather, in shades of grey. There are varying degrees for many things, not just emotions. But one thing I can say is, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

But life is like that, we usually have no choice in the people we are working with. And no matter where you go, you will eventually meet people you do not like. Or perhaps even hate. That's why there is the term "colleagues", so that you can refer to them without using the word "friends".

But the thing is, I've learnt to let things be. Why bother when the situation won't change despite what you may try? That's why whenever I get angry at certain people, I'd tell myself, "There's no point getting angry over such people. They won't care whether I'm angry or not. And they are not worth my anger." And this naturally calms me down. Well most of the time, at least. Unless the perpetrator is really skilled at invoking fury.

Sometimes, my hatred isn't only directed at others. At times, I hate myself. Actually, make that most of the time. For things I did, and for things I never did. And for things that I actually thought of doing. Like love, hatred is an emotion that is hard to control. Most emotions are. But I just hate it that I think the way that I do.

Nobody knows who I really am..

2007-03-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

Was just listening to this song today. This song is "Life is Like a Boat", by Rie Fu, and it's the first ending theme for the anime BLEACH. Decided to link to the video, since it sort of fits my blog. I'm too lazy to try translating the lyrics, so HERE is a link. Well the owner of the website says that no one must steal her lyrics, but I guess this doesn't count, since I'm crediting her by linking instead of copying. There's some parts of the lyrics that are rather interesting, especially the last line, which I'd like to type out in their original Japanese form, but I'm too lazy to change the encoding of my blog. This is somewhat different from my regular posts, since I'm not discussing about any topic. But the focus here lies in the title of this entry. Even I don't know who I really am inside..

Departures.

2007-03-03T22:43:00.000+08:00

Wow someone actually reads my blog enough to feel that I haven't updated in a long time. Well I'd like to use the excuse that I've been busy, but truth be told, I was just plain lazy. I've got quite a few topics to touch on, actually. But I was too busy.. busy procrastinating. Been playing quite a bit of DotA and FFX. But well, here I am, finally blogging a new entry again..

Departures are never a happy thing. They may not really be sad, but they certainly won't be happy. Except for those times when I thought "Good riddance!" when someone I don't like leaves. In any case, life is all about meeting new people whom you'll eventually leave, or whom eventually leave you. Which sometimes makes me ponder if it's a good idea to get too close to some friends. But I suppose it's always a good idea to make more friends than to think about them leaving in the end.

Yesterday was the funeral of my foster grandfather. He had passed away on Monday. I'd just visited him with my family on Sunday afternoon at the hospital, and although I'd say he didn't look well, he certainly didn't seem like he was going to die anytime soon. He had liver cancer, with the tumour being 14cm big. The sad thing is, I didn't get to say goodbye when I left the hospital. My sister was so hungry that she almost fainted (literally. Her blood pressure was extremely low), so I had to bring her to eat at the food court. And it happened so suddenly I didn't say goodbye.

Although I was shocked at the news on Monday, I wasn't particularly sad. I suppose it was because I wasn't really close to him, but even so, I wasn't happy either. I suppose that was kind of "DUH!". Departures are never a happy thing. But I guess things will be different when I go visiting my foster grandmother the next Chinese New Year. I suppose the place will be much quieter and less lively without him around.

Come to think of it, was it really necessary to say goodbye? I am being reminded of LTA Kevin's departure from Charlie. On his last day there, he just disappeared and sent an SMS to the specs to announce his departure, because he hates goodbyes. I suppose it's not a very good feeling to say goodbye, especially when you know that you won't be seeing the person for a very long time to come, or maybe you may never meet again.

I wonder what I will do when my turn comes to say goodbye to Charlie. I won't mention names here, but there are certain specs who've considered extending their ORD so that they can look after the men during Crescendo. But the question is, would the men appreciate such a gesture? I've asked one of the men from his section, whether he will think of his 2IC during Crescendo, think about how nice it would have been to have him there, and he answered that that would be unlikely. I'm not saying my men also feel the same way, but sad to say, either case, I already have my own plans.

I don't know if it's a good idea to say the following on my blog, since I know some of my men read this. When you're too nice to them (at least I think I am), you end up getting too close to them. And unlike the previous few departures, I think this one will be sad.

Colours.

2007-02-23T15:05:00.000+08:00

I have no idea how this topic came to me. It somewhat just hit me on the head. And I think it's rather ironic now that I'm discussing about colours when my blog just turned black and white. Well, greyscale, actually. In any case, here goes..

All my life, I have been taking colours for granted. I mean, it's another one of those things that we have gotten so used to having around that we don't realize it's importance anymore.

But now i realize how colours are affecting our everyday lives. In fact, many of the choices that we make each day revolve around colours. When we buy food, the colour of the food affects our perception on the palatability of the food. But it doesn't just stop at food. Many of our purchases are based on colours, after all. From clothes to furniture, accessories to hair dyes, having different colours gives us different choices. Even certain items that used to be black or white only have introduced different colours to appeal to different crowds. Like the iPod, and even the PSP (PSP Pink.. Eww..) comes in a variety of colours now. And don't get me started on camou cream..

I've just decided not to go on talking about something about colours that is quite close to our hearts, namely problems caused by different colours. And again I've just replaced some text that is supposed to follow the previous sentence with this very statement instead. You can't be too careful, you know? In fact, maybe I should remove this entire chunk of text. But I suppose it's too vague to be used against me. In any case, it's up to you readers to use your imagination on what these "problems" might be. However, I guess these problems don't really exist in our motherland. They are more evident in other societies, I suppose.

Colours are also associated with beauty. Rainbows are the most common association, I suppose. I've only seen rainbows two or three times in my entire life, but I must say, it is truly a sight to behold. But I wonder why Newton described the rainbow as having seven colours, even though I suppose he knew that it is somewhat a continuous spectrum of colours. And isn't it amazing how the combination of the three primary colours of light (red, green and blue) can give us white light? Colours sure are amazing..

Well, I suppose that's about all I have to say about colours. As a closing note, check out the sites I've listed under "Cool Sites". PBF Comics contains comic strips that are rather satirical, and they are really funny. Uncyclopedia is a satirical parody of Wikipedia, and the articles are nonsensical, retarded, and just plain funny. Guess I love satire. I hope to add more to the list soon. And to end off this entry, here's a pseudo-image (it's actually just a table) of random colours. I'm putting it in for Yuheng's sake, since he said my blog needs pictures to augment my entries. But then he will say it's for my own sake, since it's MY blog, not his. Well anyway, it will be different each time you refresh the page. Enjoy! *Rolls eyes*

Edit: Blogger is retarded. I can use Javascript in my template but I cant use it in my posts. Guess I'll just have to put the pseudo-image above this post inside my template instead..

Love.

2007-02-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

Well, Valentine's Day just flew by without leaving a trace. It has been as uneventful as the past 18 Valentine's Days in my life. Not that I wanted them to be that way, but they just turned out to be.. uneventful. Guess I haven't been able to find love after all. But, what is love?

It is somewhat hard to talk about love, or rather the lack of it, without seeming desperate (read: despo). But then again, I think it's perfectly human to want love. My entry today will be about romantic love. A check through the dictionary yields quite a number of definitions, but I suppose the one relevant here would be "a strong feeling of liking and caring about someone, especially combined with sexual attraction".

Suddenly my train of thought stopped completely. And I suddenly don't really see the point in me blogging this entry. But then again, for one thing, after having seen so many friends falling in and out of love, I have gotten kind of ambivalent about love. As the Oracle from the Matrix had said, "Every thing that has a beginning, has an end." At least I remember it being along those lines. Who can attest to the strength of love? But even with such thoughts, it is inevitable that one's heart would seek love.

That brings me to another point. Why does our society associate the heart with love? This thought just dawned upon me recently (read: a few hours ago). I realized that emotions are spawned from our minds, our brains, and not from our heart. And then i also recently (read: a few minutes ago) realized that perhaps it's because of the way our heart reacts when faced with situations of love. Whether our hearts are "racing", or "skipping a beat", all these seem to occur when we are excited by that one person. I'm not too sure, because I have not been attached before, but I suppose these feelings die off once you are attached to that special someone. I don't mean that you don't love him/her anymore, but it's just that, you don't get so excited that your heart gives weird reactions anymore. Personally, my heart has never been "broken", but it has hurt from such issues before. It did literally hurt.

"How do I live without you?" That seems to be a common question people ask during break ups. So common that it has been incorporated into such a popular song. I don't mean people will literally blurt this out to the one who is ending the relationship with them, but I am certain most will ask themselves this question as they despair in their plight. However, I think perhaps they should ask, "How DID I live without you?" instead. I'm sure most of us were surviving fine before we met "the one" for us. So, after a breakup, instead of wallowing in self-pity, perhaps one should try to return his/her life to the state it was before he/she met the one who "broke his/her heart". But I suppose I may never know how hard this may be, since I have never been attached.

I'm doing guard duty tomorrow, sad to say, which was why I ended up eating reunion dinner yesterday night. I suppose I have to close this entry now, since I have to prepare for book in. And in the meantime, I guess I shall continue asking myself, "How do I live without you?"

Life.

2007-02-13T20:19:00.000+08:00

I decided to talk about life today. I've been thinking about this for a long time, ever since I can remember. I shall hence share what I feel about life in this entry.

Thinking about life reminds me of this song by Sarah McLachlan, called "Ordinary Miracle". It was featured in the movie "Charlotte's Web", which was shown in November last year and is a film adaptation from the book by E. B. White. I suppose we've all gotten so used to living and it seems so ordinary to be alive that we don't realize what a miracle life is.

For one thing, I have always been pondering, why am I living in this body? Why am I looking through this pair of eyes? Was the whole world passing by without me before I was born? Will the whole world continue on without me after I die, without me knowing what is happening? Or will there be life after death? Or perhaps reincarnation? I suppose most people have had some of these thoughts some point in their life or other.

I suppose there are many "theories", or perhaps concepts, about what happens after we die. Some believe our souls will ascend to heaven (it's either very big or very crowded), while some believe in reincarnation (but what about the increasing populations?). Whatever the case is, I believe most religions generally accept the concept that we do not completely cease to exist after death.

My personal belief is that our body is merely a vessel for our soul, to allow it to carry out its spiritual journey, hopefully attaining enlightenment (what I mean by enlightenment here is the realization of the meaning and significance of life) in the process. But what happens after we die is another question. Perhaps it will be like in the game "Final Fantasy VII", whereby our souls will become part of the "Lifestream". I haven't been able to complete the game, so I do not fully comprehend the concept of the Lifestream yet. However, my idea is that when we are born, an infinitesimal part of the Lifestream leaves the main "body" to become the soul of an individual, and after we die, our souls will return to the Lifestream, adding upon it our thoughts and experiences gained throughout our life, hence causing the "collective unconscious" to evolve.

To elaborate, perhaps we were never meant to be individual souls. I suppose a good analogy would be that of a big piece of plasticine, where u can pluck out many small pieces to model into humans, animals, or anything at all. And in the end, when the time comes, they will join back to being part of the big piece of plasticine. You can then pluck out another small piece, but this time, it will be a mixture of the different "small pieces" from the first round, hence creating unique personalities. I don't really want to think about how life started in the first place, how the Lifestream came about, or how the single-celled organisms evolved into what we are today. That's assuming that Darwin was correct.

In case you haven't noticed, I've added a tagboard in the sidebar, so please tag me if you can. The problem with getting a tagboard is, it will show how popular/unpopular I am. Guess we shall see..

Go ahead. Laugh.

2007-02-09T19:56:00.000+08:00

I actually wanted to blog this entry yesterday, but was occupied with.. what else? DotA. Well anyway, due to the nature of what I am going to discuss here, I suppose I cannot afford to mention any names here. I suppose that will be the case for most of my entries, so I hope you readers won't get too irritated.

To begin, what happened yesterday was that another fellow member of the human race did something that I felt was rather.. tactless and unnecessary, to say the least. I was being mocked at for one of my idiosyncrasies at a very inappropriate time. Not that I wasn't used to THEIR mocking, but that was definitely neither the right time nor place for such a.. frivolous action. I gave him a piece of my mind on the spot.

I wouldn't exactly consider yesterday's event as an isolated incident, given the fact that I have been tolerating THEM for as long as I can remember. The title of this entry is another one of the things that I, even though seldom, have said before and THEY decided to imitate me saying it. I don't really see how funny that is, but they all seem to enjoy themselves at the "joke", so I decided to humour them by playing along. But now, I won't really mind if they stopped such.. childish behaviour anytime. In fact, that would be very much preferred. However, I am not one who is very.. keen on direct confrontation, so I suppose I will allow things to maintain at such an equilibrium for now.

Sometimes all that is happening around me is making me feel.. like Haruhi Suzumiya. That's the name of the protagonist in the Japanese light novel titled, "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" (romaji: "Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu"). It has an anime adaptation, which I had enjoyed watching. The main plot is about a girl who finds the world boring and is interested in meeting aliens, time travellers and ESPers, so that life becomes more interesting. But because of that, her peers find her weird and hence most of them ostracize her. Except for one guy, the others are an alien, a time traveller and an ESPer who get near her to prevent her from destroying the world (or rather, recreating it) with a supernatural power that she does not realize she possess. I feel that I'm similar to her, not in the aspect of destroying the world (cue laughter), but rather in the fact that I am being labeled as "weird" just because of.. different interests. And like her, I do not intend to change myself just to suit this world.

"The hourglass runs low." I can't remember where that came from, but it speaks of the situation right now. My sister wants to use the computer, so I shall close my entry. Note that I am slowly trying to change the layout of my blog, so please bear with the ugly presentation for now. Till then.

Right or Wrong?

2007-02-07T23:51:00.000+08:00

Today, a fellow member of the human species has highlighted to me a.. perception common to our society. As a response to me saying, "What is wrong with this world?!", he said that in the past, his PS told him that when you feel that everyone else is wrong, while everyone else feels that you are wrong, it is usually the latter that is true. I have to admit, most people will stand with his opinion, but as always, I do not subscribe to what I see as.. not necessarily true. When I heard him say this, I was immediately reminded of the classic story of "To Kill a Mockingbird", by Harper Lee.

For the uninitiated, the story is set in America in the past, when racism between the whites and blacks (pardon me for the politically incorrect term, for I am trying to use the terms that would have been used during those days) was rampant. It is about an African American man who was prosecuted for rape, which he had never commit, even though everyone knew very clearly that he was innocent, because the jury was entirely made up of whites. The life of the man ended tragically when he was shot to death while attempting to escape.

My point here is that even if society perceives a certain person to be wrong, that need not necessarily be the case. I suppose that is why I do what I feel is right, and not what others think is right. Or at least I try to stick to such principles. I suppose that's enough ranting for a day. Till next time.

2004-01-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

haha though i've lost $14 gambling with my relatives but at least i've won $2.50 from jingzhi.... muahahaha.... anywayz, 2dae was kinda slack... wanted 2 start on some homework but well.... the keyword is "wanted".... heez :P

hmm... this year only visited 5 places for the new year... but well, i guess i'm getting old.... no more stamina to run so many places anymore.... haha budden oso quite sian lehx.... wherever i go is like dun have pple i can tok to lehx....

now that new year is over, huang cheng will last until 9pm everyday... haha but i shall persevere!!! cant wait to do the "dao ju slam"!!! :P yeah but it is kinda pathetic 2 noe that only got so few pple left in dao ju... T_T

hmm... i'm wondering y i'm writing a blog.... perhaps it's coz of the 04S68 blog.... since the class is writing a blog i might as well start my own, eh? i used to think blogs r kinda boliao, but now that i'm writing this everything seems to flow easily.... juz writing out my thoughts, i guess...

2004-01-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

haha my first post... hmm cny is so tiring... but at least got quite some angpaos.... heez... =P