the REAL me.

WARNING: SUPER LONG ENTRY

There's too many different topics I'm touching on in this entry, and thus I couldn't give a title to it. My emotions seem to be going downhill all the way, like plunging into some deep quicksand that I can't seem to climb out. And it doesn't really help when you know people are bitching about you behind your back.

Perhaps it's fate. [EDIT]This entire chunk has been removed due to censorship issues.[/EDIT] And that started me thinking. For until now, I've always thought I'm actually quite well accepted by my platoon. But then again, "知人,知面,不知心", and thus I started doubting myself.

Come to think of it, I don't really know what to believe in anymore. I know it's not right of me to doubt them, but I don't even know what my subordinates think of me. For one thing is, even out there in the working world, subordinates will tend to refrain from showing their unhappiness with their superiors, so as not to affect their working relationship. I suppose there has to be some truth in what Ronald Seen has said, since he had no reason to make up lies in such a situation.

I've sort of stopped bitching about others for some time now. I'm not trying to portray myself as a saint, but seriously, I don't really see any point in bitching anymore. Sure, you get to vent your anger on someone you don't like, and maybe rally support in your campaign against that particular person. But does it really make you happier? I don't think so. That's why I don't bother anymore. [EDIT]Censored.[/EDIT]

I've actually had this notion for some time now, which is to try to make people happy. That's why nowadays, in many situations where I could possibly start an argument with someone, I choose to take a passive stand and just remain stoical, leaving the unhappiness for myself. But that's only when it comes to my own problems. I hope I won't let my subordinates down, or at least try my best to fight for them when it is right to do so.

I wanted to blog about this dream I had a few weeks ago right after I had it, but decided not do, but now I've decided to blog it again. It occurred a few days after I supposedly caused Ronald Seen to fail. He was in the dream, along with others I couldn't remember. But the gist of the dream was that he wasn't unhappy with me anymore, even though I didn't apologize to him in the dream, because I still felt I didn't do anything wrong. I was glad and relieved, but then I awoke.

Anyway the song in the video above is 失意 (Amnesia) by Fish Leong. I put it firstly because it's nice, and secondly, because I feel that the song lyrics suit me very well at this moment. "得了失意可能对你我都好". There's so many things that are troubling my mind now that it may not be such a bad idea to forget all my troubles. I don't like being an escapist, which is why the only way to get away from my troubles is for me to have amnesia. Not remembering Ronald Seen (and others) hating me, not remembering all the wrong I've done, not remembering people I don't want to remember, whether it's because I love them too much or hate them too much (then again, I don't really hate anyone that much anymore). It doesn't seem like such a bad thing. But then again, I'll probably regret losing memories of all my friends, all those people and things important to me. I guess it's impossible to have the best of both worlds.

But sometimes when I think of some people and I know that they aren't thinking of me, I wish I could stop thinking of them. There's the saying that the most painful feeling is to have the person you love right beside you and yet he/she doesn't know. For me, the distance is great, but the feeling doesn't seem to diminish.



Anyway, the picture above was created by.. someone. He told me he dedicated it to me, but meant it as a joke. I know he doesn't mean anything bad, because if he did, he wouldn't have sent it to me. I actually find it quite funny, instead of offending. If you can't tell what it means, I won't bother explaining.

I just saw Jun Kai online and approached him, and it was my first time talking to him online because he's seldom online, albeit a very short conversation. He told me his friend just passed away and he was busy, so I left him alone and didn't inquire further. Life is unpredictable. I think I should try to complete FFX soon and return Zhang Yan his guide. I guess I should start doing what I need to do, instead of assuming that there's still much time left.

For some reason, I don't feel that sad at this point in time. It's amazing how my mood can change from the start until the end of typing an entry. Mood swings are here again. At least for now I feel calm, and I suppose I should enjoy this feeling for as long as it lasts. =D
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