the REAL me.

This is the song that caused me to fall in love with Mayday. It's called Chun Zhen, translated as.. Innocence. I first heard it on tv years ago, when Channel U first aired and it was the ending theme for one of their drama serials.

This song describes my current feelings very well. Relationships between people (not just the couple kind) can be rather.. intimidating. The thing is, I don't like getting too close to people. It gives me a false sense of security. I guess it's the same for many people. You get close to someone, you end up liking them too much, whether as a platonic friend or more, and you'll end up being very sad when you are parting.

Let me translate the final chorus of the song:
"You already have him/her, so you shouldn't have me anymore
The world's innocence, in this instance, has been mesmerized by you
I think I should gently release your hand
But I don't have the strength to do so.."

Hmm.. I suppose it's not that easy to walk away sometimes, especially when it's walking away from things important to you. That's why I don't really like the idea of getting too close to things that/people whom I will eventually lose. Sure, I can be very happy for some time, but the trauma later will be.. unbearable.

I've been getting REALLY emo lately. So much so that even I think my posts have gotten rather eccentric. But I can't help it. Like i said two entries ago, I can't control the way I think. And it doesn't help that I'm anticipating something to happen, waiting for disappointment to arrive. I'm really confused by my own thoughts. I don't know why I'm looking forward to getting disappointed. I think I don't even know myself anymore.
0 comments

I was thinking of just forsaking this entry, since I was supposed to have blogged it yesterday, but was so busy with playing Bleach 4 that I neglected to do so. But well, since this entry is meant to talk about yesterday's yesterday, I suppose it's right for me to post is today instead of yesterday, if you get what I mean.

Well anyway, this is another one of those entries where I don't talk about anything in particular. I just want to say that I was rather happy on Friday, 'coz of certain stuff that happened. But for some reason I became rather unhappy yesterday, and after visiting Friendster just a while ago I feel even worse. I'm having mood swings not unlike that of PMS. Perhaps that's why I just wrote an entry on my thoughts, because I can't really control my unhappiness. But who knows? Maybe I'll be super happy again tomorrow. I don't know what's happening to me recently. Desires and fear abound, to say the very least. For some reason, when something good happens to me, which caused me to be happy, I get apprehensive. For one thing I've been taught to remember is that when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Guess this is what's causing my moodiness.

Another thing is, when you're being coerced into doing what you do not desire and people are unable to see from your viewpoint and do not realize that what you are doing is.. *fill in the blank 'coz I don't know what to say*, things start to get messy. Certain things can't be helped. Perhaps that's why they say it's not a good idea to have more than a working relationship with your subordinates.

Okay, my mood swing is suddenly getting out of hand. I'm having a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness at the same time now. Weekends are always like that. When you have too much time on your hands, your mind starts to wander, and you end up with strange thoughts. Maybe all the static electricity from the computer is doing my brain harm. Time to get some rest.
1 comments

I suppose there comes a point (or many points, i think) in everyone's life where one starts thinking about what goes on in our heads. Or perhaps I'm just thinking too much.

One thing is, I've started analyzing the way I think about things for quite some time now. Yes, thinking about thinking. To elaborate, I think about why or how come I think the way I do. For there is one thing that I've come to realize. It's impossible (to me, at least) to control your thoughts. You might argue that of course it's possible, such as controlling your anger, or stop yourself from crying. But that's different. Those emotions are the effects of our thoughts, their manifestation. Sure, you can stop the shouting and random throwing of objects, but does that mean you're no longer angry? You can stop crying, but that doesn't mean you're not sad anymore. We're just taught to control the manifestation of our thoughts and emotions.

An even more obvious case would be that of non-emotional thoughts. (This is great. I've now started coining my own terms.) Or rather, it's more like a.. desire-related thought, or addiction thought, since you could consider desire as an emotion. For example, you think of some particular game all day long, one that you've been playing for some time now, and now you want more. Or a very nice manga you've been reading. Or some particular person who catches your eye. It's not something you can easily stop thinking about, especially when the feeling is strong. One of the few ways to stop thinking is to keep yourself busy. Either with work or with other thoughts. But once you aren't busy anymore, the thoughts come back.

Hence, I've given up trying to control my thoughts. As the song above, Remember to Forget (by S.H.E.), says in it's lyrics, "People can't control who they fall in love with, but at least they can decide whether to give up or not", it's not possible to control what you desire. As a side thought, I bet this piece of writing will get a super lousy grade for GP even with perfect grammar, since I couldn't be bothered to find synonyms for words such as "control", "possible", "thoughts", etc. and hence am repeating them like they will cease to exist tomorrow. But anyway, as I was saying, I'm not just referring to people. You can't really stop yourself from desiring your dream car, for example. But I suppose the "giving up" part is more for people, because you won't really need to give up you favourite game, or manga, or continue dreaming about your dream car, etc.

Another thought on thoughts that I have is the title of the song itself. Our memory seems to like to work in a funny way. It remembers all the things you don't want it to, yet forgets all the details that you'd like to remember. And the more you try to forget, the more the thought will stay. I can't remember the ideal gas equation, which I've been made to memorize two years ago, but I certainly can't forget being punished by a Chinese teacher in primary school. It's not a very pleasant experience, but I guess I'm stuck with it forever. But that's certainly not the only thing I'd like to forget.

Okay, my last thought on thoughts is that I've run out of thoughts to think about. Thoughts are certainly still running through my brain, but I've nothing much left to think about them. Till next time.
0 comments

Weird word that looks weird. I think Chester will doubt there's actually such a word, just as he has doubted (and is still doubting) [with] "constancy" [and purpose] (Anderson's Sec Sch motto).

So now.. What is considered normal? Different people have different ways of viewing things, as always. Some think that I should try to control my lameness so that I'll be like any other "normal" spec. But well, I don't think that being lame means that I'm eccentric. The thing is, people view "normal" as being part of the norm. If the majority of our society is lame, I believe the general consensus would be that lame people are "normal". Who knows? That day might come some day.

It's the same thing with homosexuality. Many people view homosexuals as "abnormal" or something, because they don't fit in with the norm. But what if one day, the population composition shifts such that the majority are homosexual people, (I won't really comment on my thoughts on such a future, so as to be politically correct.) then would they still be considered to be "abnormal"? Okay maybe talking about gays and lesbians isn't such a popular example, but the idea is there.

But anyway, even if that's really the way things turn out, I don't think it'll really be good news for governments dealing with aging populations. And according to some homophobic, zealous Christians, "God created Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve". Not that they are wrong there.

Maybe I should stop talking about such a taboo topic. But then again, that proves my point. It's taboo because people think it's not "normal". Well anyway, I watched Blades of Glory yesterday. It's another one of those funny lame movies that one watches with friends to laugh at to relieve stress. The kind that I like when I'm not in the mood to think too much. The story tells of how a male-male pair of figure skaters made it to the finals in a competition that traditionally only sees male-female pairs. And thus, this again shows how "abnormal" people can still succeed. But then again, it's just a fictional story. But of course, another thing that the movie brought up is about how "normal" guys are supposed to look. Like how one of the interviewees exclaimed, "That blond chick is a DUDE?!", while referring to Jimmy. But you can't blame him. I'd have the same thought too if I were to see such.. *silenced for political correctness* But then again, Jimmy's image in the movie is still considered quite mild.

As a side note to end this entry, we came across this cafe/bookshop place in Chinatown called Whatever after watching the movie. It reminded me of the new Anything/Whatever drinks. But anyway, the point is, there's apparently quite a few books on Karma Sutra there, including one titled "A Visual Guide to Karma Sutra". Provocative..
0 comments

Okay it might seem as if I didn't post an entry last weekend, but I actually did. But there seems to be some server problems with Blogger, and when I tried to submit my post on rainbows, it just totally.. rid me of the efforts I put into blogging that entry. I knew something was wrong when the Dashboard and the "Create Post" pages look weird. And now it's been more than a week since I've seen that rainbow in camp, so I don't feel like talking about it anymore. And it's been more than a week since the pages look weird and it's still the same. And now I'm left with an empty post that I can't delete. It says there's a problem with the server and a technician has been notified. I had expected better efficiency from Google. Sometimes I just love Blogger.

Well anyway, on to my entry today. Was wondering if I should call this entry "Fate" instead, but decided to leave that for another time. There's been many.. queer deaths lately, if you've read the news. Which makes me wonder how those people happened to be at those locations at those particular times meeting with those accidents. Maybe it's fate. Or something like the Death Note. Well maybe not the Death Note, but.. perhaps there really is an otherworldly figure who controls the lives and deaths of us humans.

I mean, who would've ever expected a plane to crash just like that? And at that exact spot where those people were located at that exact time. I am certainly not mocking the deaths of those involved, but I definitely am wondering how life (or death, for this matter) can be so unpredictable.

And when you decide to use your body to block a STATIONARY cab from driving off, the event with the highest probability of occurring is that the driver will stop short of hitting you. It's not as if he was already heading in your direction at a high speed, or had the intent of killing. But Murphy always wins, I guess.

Actually I've always had this thought since the time the CITI instructor quoted us an accident. "Freak accident", he called it. There just happened to be this guy who walked between two vehicles parked on a slope, with the vehicle in front being a truck whose driver forgot to put on the handbrake. I don't think I need to complete the story. What was the probability that the truck would start moving when the guy was just walking through the two vehicles anyway? Some things are just unbelievable.

And all this made me realize something: Life is precious. Makes me wonder how I ever contemplated suicide when I was in Sec 2. Or was that in Sec 1? Can't remember. Must be the hormones. Perhaps in future I will become rich and famous, (but then again, what's the probability?) then I can set up something similar to the Dove Self-Esteem Fund, but not to educate girls about real beauty, but to educate boys about.. hmm I don't really know. Lol. Maybe about how not to contemplate suicide when a girl rejects or decides to dump you.

Life is precious. But like what Yuheng said, the most important thing is to die with no regrets. It doesn't really matter when one passes, as long as the journey is fulfilling and you've touched the people around you.
1 comments