Sunday, March 25, 2007
Desires.
My blog has become more of a place to bitch about stuff than I'd like it to have been. After having digressed (read: bitched) too much in the past few entries, I shall return to discussing about issues close to my heart.
Desires are what drive us on in our lives. It may not seem obvious if you don't put much thought into it, but that's what I've come to realize. Why do we study? Because we desire good results. Or maybe it's our parents' desire. Why do we work? Because we desire money. Why do we make friends? Because we desire companionship. Why do we have sex? Because we desire pleasure. Let me digress a little. I read before that there are only two species of animals that have sex for pleasure. The first, of course, is the human species. I don't remember what the other species is. It could be dolphins. Not that it matters. The point is, most of the things that we do voluntarily (and that excludes NS, unless you're a regular) are driven by desires.
Speaking of being a regular, I am being reminded of the issue about "extending ORD". For you see, it isn't as simple as merely "extending ORD". The JEDi has made inquiries regarding the matter, and has made the information known to us. And thus we were enlightened on the fact that "extending ORD" requires "signing on" for at least six months. And the JEDi, with his titanic mouth, (I wanted to use the word big, but I figured that would be an understatement.) had made known the fact that one of his 2ICs had CONSIDERED "extending ORD" to his whole platoon. In fact, the JEDi made it sound as if he was CERTAINLY signing on. In fact, he has already decided not to do so. But since the JEDi had been so kind as to find out the details of "extending ORD", he replied that he would think about it, so as not to make the JEDi think that his efforts were wasted.
So anyway, "extending ORD" means getting regular pay for six months. And doing what we've been doing for another six months. And spending another six months with the JEDi, learning how to master the Force and use it to piss everyone off. You might think the JEDi would cease to exist before that. But the thing is, the JEDi's really considering signing on!! In addition to that, our men will view us differently. Like how platoon eight men will automatically march properly in the presence of a regular. I don't require such attention. Hence, i most certainly prefer my irregularity.
There I go bitching about stuff again. But at least a good portion (read: the top) of this entry isn't about bitching. And the second part has it's relevance too: My desire, is to be free.
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Desires are what drive us on in our lives. It may not seem obvious if you don't put much thought into it, but that's what I've come to realize. Why do we study? Because we desire good results. Or maybe it's our parents' desire. Why do we work? Because we desire money. Why do we make friends? Because we desire companionship. Why do we have sex? Because we desire pleasure. Let me digress a little. I read before that there are only two species of animals that have sex for pleasure. The first, of course, is the human species. I don't remember what the other species is. It could be dolphins. Not that it matters. The point is, most of the things that we do voluntarily (and that excludes NS, unless you're a regular) are driven by desires.
Speaking of being a regular, I am being reminded of the issue about "extending ORD". For you see, it isn't as simple as merely "extending ORD". The JEDi has made inquiries regarding the matter, and has made the information known to us. And thus we were enlightened on the fact that "extending ORD" requires "signing on" for at least six months. And the JEDi, with his titanic mouth, (I wanted to use the word big, but I figured that would be an understatement.) had made known the fact that one of his 2ICs had CONSIDERED "extending ORD" to his whole platoon. In fact, the JEDi made it sound as if he was CERTAINLY signing on. In fact, he has already decided not to do so. But since the JEDi had been so kind as to find out the details of "extending ORD", he replied that he would think about it, so as not to make the JEDi think that his efforts were wasted.
So anyway, "extending ORD" means getting regular pay for six months. And doing what we've been doing for another six months. And spending another six months with the JEDi, learning how to master the Force and use it to piss everyone off. You might think the JEDi would cease to exist before that. But the thing is, the JEDi's really considering signing on!! In addition to that, our men will view us differently. Like how platoon eight men will automatically march properly in the presence of a regular. I don't require such attention. Hence, i most certainly prefer my irregularity.
There I go bitching about stuff again. But at least a good portion (read: the top) of this entry isn't about bitching. And the second part has it's relevance too: My desire, is to be free.
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Sunday, March 18, 2007
Gratitude.
This entry was supposed to come before the previous one, but I forgot. But anyway, this entry is actually to thank the people who have helped me in one way or another to pass SOC. Though I don't think they'll actually end up reading, I just thought it'd be nice to show my gratitude here, even after actually thanking them in person (except for one of them, and it should be obvious who it is from the people I am going to list). If you're not interested in who I'd like to thank, you can always skip to the last paragraph, where there might be something interesting.
Firstly, and most importantly, I must thank Yen Shong. If not for him, I doubt I'd have been able to get the timing that I did. It's not really fast, but it would have been much slower without him. He didn't just pace me for my first attempt, but also the subsequent one, which I passed. Despite having only paced me after the obstacles, it was nevertheless what I really needed, because it's after the obstacles that I was really tired.
Also, Boon Bin helped too, by encouraging me at the low rope. Though I usually can already clear it without any problem, his words gave me that extra boost. At least I think so. Haha..
Alright I'm not sure who else there is left for me to thank. So let me go on ahead to thank that special someone. And it is none other than.. Planet! Just the thought of him giving his sarcastic remarks on failing SOC was the enough drive. But somehow it wasn't enough to help me pass the first time round. But at least now I don't have to worry about his comments anymore.
Well, there's actually more to gratitude that what I've discussed here, but my brain isn't really functioning well today. I just forced out this entry for the sake of thanking people. Perhaps I'd blog another entry to augment this one next time. But to close this entry, I shall just provide a little insight on the identity of the person I was discussing about in the previous post. He has the closest working relationship with the person who antagonized me in Go Ahead. Laugh. In fact, the one who antagonized me cried in front of others before too. But I hope that even if you realize that you know these people, you won't change your impressions of them. Everyone has cried before, after all.
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Firstly, and most importantly, I must thank Yen Shong. If not for him, I doubt I'd have been able to get the timing that I did. It's not really fast, but it would have been much slower without him. He didn't just pace me for my first attempt, but also the subsequent one, which I passed. Despite having only paced me after the obstacles, it was nevertheless what I really needed, because it's after the obstacles that I was really tired.
Also, Boon Bin helped too, by encouraging me at the low rope. Though I usually can already clear it without any problem, his words gave me that extra boost. At least I think so. Haha..
Alright I'm not sure who else there is left for me to thank. So let me go on ahead to thank that special someone. And it is none other than.. Planet! Just the thought of him giving his sarcastic remarks on failing SOC was the enough drive. But somehow it wasn't enough to help me pass the first time round. But at least now I don't have to worry about his comments anymore.
Well, there's actually more to gratitude that what I've discussed here, but my brain isn't really functioning well today. I just forced out this entry for the sake of thanking people. Perhaps I'd blog another entry to augment this one next time. But to close this entry, I shall just provide a little insight on the identity of the person I was discussing about in the previous post. He has the closest working relationship with the person who antagonized me in Go Ahead. Laugh. In fact, the one who antagonized me cried in front of others before too. But I hope that even if you realize that you know these people, you won't change your impressions of them. Everyone has cried before, after all.
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Cry.
Firstly, let me say that, if you've already read my previous post and realized how bad my memory is, you should understand when I say that I've forgotten the topics I'd wanted to discuss for the "blogging frenzy" thing. Perhaps they will return to my brain some day, but I'm not too sure.
Well anyway, this entry wasn't originally meant to be the opposite of Go ahead. Laugh., but I guess it ties in nicely. But the thing here is, this time, I wasn't the one who was crying. Come to think of it, I haven't been crying for myself for quite some time already. The previous time I cried was when I was watching some damn sad movie, I think. I can't even remember the previous time I cried for myself. But I am a rather emotional person, and can cry when overwhelmed by emotions, even if I'm not sad.
It's somewhat hard to say everything that I would like to say, given that I know who reads my blog. But one thing is for sure. To protect the identity of that particular individual whom I'm discussing about, I won't be using his name. I can't even say where he's from, or people will start guessing.
It was the first time I saw him cry, and to add on to that, I was the only one to witness him cry. His will always seemed so strong, that he was one of the last people I would expect to see crying. I suppose that just goes to show that everyone has a soft side.
What happened was, a very disappointing event occurred to him, and that was the trigger for the sadness he had kept within. And he actually told me about certain things that I cannot divulge here, even though we aren't really the closest of friends. I was quite startled when he just burst out crying. Well I mean, if it was a girl, then I'd just lend her my shoulder to cry on, that is if she doesn't mind. I don't know, but embracing someone who is crying seems like a natural thing to do. But anyway, all I ended up doing was try to console him. But I'm not that smooth a talker, so.. but I suppose I did fine to help calm him down. First I told him, "Don't cry..", but then I realized he's really sad, so I said, "Just cry it all out.." Haha I guess I'm really inexperienced..
I know, my blog entries have always been very vague. But what can I do? Identities have to be protected, regardless of anything else. But the lesson here (if you can consider this a lesson in the first place) is, we shouldn't keep our emotions bottled up until it all erupts during a breakdown. It does help to share them with others, instead of bearing all the load by yourself. But guess what? I'm a hypocrite for having said the above. This is one of the few things that I cannot practise what I preach.
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Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Memories.
This entry is dedicated to my worst attribute. If you know me well, I somehow remember the most useless stuff but forget all the most important. It's made my life somewhat troublesome, since there's been many instances when I forget to bring along something i need for proper performance of my job. There's too many such times for me to remember, let alone reproduce here. Such is the ability of my memory.
Actually, I only have one main point for my entry this time. Because it seems to me that, the harder you try to forget something, the more impossible it is to do so. Ironic, isn't it? Be it the first crush you ever had, how you were rejected by the him/her, how your best friend was no longer your best friend, how your team lost the race due to some idiotic starter. The harder I try to forget all these, the more they insist on being a part of my memory. It's only when you don't bother trying, and keep yourself busy with other stuff, that the thought slowly slips away. Notice I used the word "thought". For the slightest trigger can easily invoke such thoughts again. I suppose all these will forever be etched on my mind, and remain a part of my memory. In fact, just a meek effort to recall has enabled me to remember all the examples I listed above.
I shall start on the nonsense now, since I've finished discussing my main point. Firstly, there are things that I can hardly remember, no matter how hard I try. I don't know if it applies to most other people as well, or specifically to me. But it seems to me that events are much easier to remember than facts. As in, I don't need much effort to remember things that happen to me, but names, formulas, and other similar facts basically enter my brain so that they can leave. A good analogy would be Singapore's port industry. We are one of the world's best ports of call. Goods enter our shores so that they can be exported to other countries. I'm amazed I actually remember this fact. No, just joking.
I can't remember where this came from, but there are these five principles of memory. Principles meaning that if these conditions are achieved, it will b easier to remember things. They are recentness, similarity, difference, repetitions and.. I can't remember the last one. Or mayb there were only four to begin with. Damn, my memory.. But anyway, just a brief explanation on what these four imply. The more recent something happened, the easier it is to remember. When something is very similar or very different from what you already know, it also becomes easy to remember. And obviously, if you keep experiencing something, it will naturally be easier to remember. Well, maybe not that natural. When you keep experiencing something, be it exam revision or doing drills, it is usually forced. Not that natural after all, huh?
Anyway, if you haven't already realized the purpose of the above two paragraphs, they are simply there to increase the volume of content for this entry. But at least they are related. But anyway, as a closing statement, this will be the last entry on a weekday in a long time, since I will be staying in from tomorrow onwards and will only be able to blog during weekends. Hope I won't get too lazy to blog on weekends. Oh no, that's an extra sentence after my closing statement! And another! And another! And.. Damn, I'm childish.. =P
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Actually, I only have one main point for my entry this time. Because it seems to me that, the harder you try to forget something, the more impossible it is to do so. Ironic, isn't it? Be it the first crush you ever had, how you were rejected by the him/her, how your best friend was no longer your best friend, how your team lost the race due to some idiotic starter. The harder I try to forget all these, the more they insist on being a part of my memory. It's only when you don't bother trying, and keep yourself busy with other stuff, that the thought slowly slips away. Notice I used the word "thought". For the slightest trigger can easily invoke such thoughts again. I suppose all these will forever be etched on my mind, and remain a part of my memory. In fact, just a meek effort to recall has enabled me to remember all the examples I listed above.
I shall start on the nonsense now, since I've finished discussing my main point. Firstly, there are things that I can hardly remember, no matter how hard I try. I don't know if it applies to most other people as well, or specifically to me. But it seems to me that events are much easier to remember than facts. As in, I don't need much effort to remember things that happen to me, but names, formulas, and other similar facts basically enter my brain so that they can leave. A good analogy would be Singapore's port industry. We are one of the world's best ports of call. Goods enter our shores so that they can be exported to other countries. I'm amazed I actually remember this fact. No, just joking.
I can't remember where this came from, but there are these five principles of memory. Principles meaning that if these conditions are achieved, it will b easier to remember things. They are recentness, similarity, difference, repetitions and.. I can't remember the last one. Or mayb there were only four to begin with. Damn, my memory.. But anyway, just a brief explanation on what these four imply. The more recent something happened, the easier it is to remember. When something is very similar or very different from what you already know, it also becomes easy to remember. And obviously, if you keep experiencing something, it will naturally be easier to remember. Well, maybe not that natural. When you keep experiencing something, be it exam revision or doing drills, it is usually forced. Not that natural after all, huh?
Anyway, if you haven't already realized the purpose of the above two paragraphs, they are simply there to increase the volume of content for this entry. But at least they are related. But anyway, as a closing statement, this will be the last entry on a weekday in a long time, since I will be staying in from tomorrow onwards and will only be able to blog during weekends. Hope I won't get too lazy to blog on weekends. Oh no, that's an extra sentence after my closing statement! And another! And another! And.. Damn, I'm childish.. =P
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Thursday, March 08, 2007
Hatred.
I've decided to start a.. tradition on my blog to have direct opposites for my entries. This is obviously the direct opposite of love. Like love, hatred is something that we don't really show to the people whom the feeling is directed against. But unlike love, which is usually expressed when you would like to further your relationship with the person, hatred is usually expressed only when you're certain that you can do without any help or support that the person may render.
But before I go into the main topic, let me just update a little on my life happenings. I'd actually wanted to go on a blogging frenzy today, by discussing three topics in a single day. But I'm feeling a little down, mostly because of my SOC results. Failed second year timing. But I'm surprised that I actually managed to maintain my timing despite not having done SOC for half a year. Hopefully I'll pass in the next one or two tries. But the problem is, there won't be one coming up anytime soon. And my fitness will drop. And I'll end up getting an even worse timing. The cycle of failing.
I also seem rather unlucky today. My EZ-link card actually spoilt. Now I'll have to get a replacement done. I hope it won't be too much trouble. My stuff seems to be spoiling every now and then. First my PS2. Then my PSP analog nub. And now this. What next?
Okay back to the topic. I actually decided to touch on hatred instead of the other topics (which I will eventually write when the time comes, perhaps this weekend), as a tribute to SOME people. Well it's because of SOME people that I'm running out of time, which is the other reason why I'm not going on a blogging frenzy. Well I may have made the same decision if I were them, but I do not see the need to give so many excuses to deny help. A simple "no" would have sufficed. Excuses is one of the few things that everyone likes to give but no one likes to receive. I used to be guilty of such acts too, but recently I've changed. As least I think I have. I've learnt the importance of taking responsibility. And I've witnessed the kind of excuses that SOME OTHER people (e.g. Rubber Ben) can give just to avoid trouble. It reminded me of how Neo dodged bullets in "The Matrix".
Well I can't really say I hate those SOME people. Like everything else, love and hatred should not be seen as polar opposites. I've read before that we should not see things as "black" or "white", but rather, in shades of grey. There are varying degrees for many things, not just emotions. But one thing I can say is, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"
But life is like that, we usually have no choice in the people we are working with. And no matter where you go, you will eventually meet people you do not like. Or perhaps even hate. That's why there is the term "colleagues", so that you can refer to them without using the word "friends".
But the thing is, I've learnt to let things be. Why bother when the situation won't change despite what you may try? That's why whenever I get angry at certain people, I'd tell myself, "There's no point getting angry over such people. They won't care whether I'm angry or not. And they are not worth my anger." And this naturally calms me down. Well most of the time, at least. Unless the perpetrator is really skilled at invoking fury.
Sometimes, my hatred isn't only directed at others. At times, I hate myself. Actually, make that most of the time. For things I did, and for things I never did. And for things that I actually thought of doing. Like love, hatred is an emotion that is hard to control. Most emotions are. But I just hate it that I think the way that I do.
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But before I go into the main topic, let me just update a little on my life happenings. I'd actually wanted to go on a blogging frenzy today, by discussing three topics in a single day. But I'm feeling a little down, mostly because of my SOC results. Failed second year timing. But I'm surprised that I actually managed to maintain my timing despite not having done SOC for half a year. Hopefully I'll pass in the next one or two tries. But the problem is, there won't be one coming up anytime soon. And my fitness will drop. And I'll end up getting an even worse timing. The cycle of failing.
I also seem rather unlucky today. My EZ-link card actually spoilt. Now I'll have to get a replacement done. I hope it won't be too much trouble. My stuff seems to be spoiling every now and then. First my PS2. Then my PSP analog nub. And now this. What next?
Okay back to the topic. I actually decided to touch on hatred instead of the other topics (which I will eventually write when the time comes, perhaps this weekend), as a tribute to SOME people. Well it's because of SOME people that I'm running out of time, which is the other reason why I'm not going on a blogging frenzy. Well I may have made the same decision if I were them, but I do not see the need to give so many excuses to deny help. A simple "no" would have sufficed. Excuses is one of the few things that everyone likes to give but no one likes to receive. I used to be guilty of such acts too, but recently I've changed. As least I think I have. I've learnt the importance of taking responsibility. And I've witnessed the kind of excuses that SOME OTHER people (e.g. Rubber Ben) can give just to avoid trouble. It reminded me of how Neo dodged bullets in "The Matrix".
Well I can't really say I hate those SOME people. Like everything else, love and hatred should not be seen as polar opposites. I've read before that we should not see things as "black" or "white", but rather, in shades of grey. There are varying degrees for many things, not just emotions. But one thing I can say is, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"
But life is like that, we usually have no choice in the people we are working with. And no matter where you go, you will eventually meet people you do not like. Or perhaps even hate. That's why there is the term "colleagues", so that you can refer to them without using the word "friends".
But the thing is, I've learnt to let things be. Why bother when the situation won't change despite what you may try? That's why whenever I get angry at certain people, I'd tell myself, "There's no point getting angry over such people. They won't care whether I'm angry or not. And they are not worth my anger." And this naturally calms me down. Well most of the time, at least. Unless the perpetrator is really skilled at invoking fury.
Sometimes, my hatred isn't only directed at others. At times, I hate myself. Actually, make that most of the time. For things I did, and for things I never did. And for things that I actually thought of doing. Like love, hatred is an emotion that is hard to control. Most emotions are. But I just hate it that I think the way that I do.
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Monday, March 05, 2007
Nobody knows who I really am..
Was just listening to this song today. This song is "Life is Like a Boat", by Rie Fu, and it's the first ending theme for the anime BLEACH. Decided to link to the video, since it sort of fits my blog. I'm too lazy to try translating the lyrics, so HERE is a link. Well the owner of the website says that no one must steal her lyrics, but I guess this doesn't count, since I'm crediting her by linking instead of copying. There's some parts of the lyrics that are rather interesting, especially the last line, which I'd like to type out in their original Japanese form, but I'm too lazy to change the encoding of my blog. This is somewhat different from my regular posts, since I'm not discussing about any topic. But the focus here lies in the title of this entry. Even I don't know who I really am inside..
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
Departures.
Wow someone actually reads my blog enough to feel that I haven't updated in a long time. Well I'd like to use the excuse that I've been busy, but truth be told, I was just plain lazy. I've got quite a few topics to touch on, actually. But I was too busy.. busy procrastinating. Been playing quite a bit of DotA and FFX. But well, here I am, finally blogging a new entry again..
Departures are never a happy thing. They may not really be sad, but they certainly won't be happy. Except for those times when I thought "Good riddance!" when someone I don't like leaves. In any case, life is all about meeting new people whom you'll eventually leave, or whom eventually leave you. Which sometimes makes me ponder if it's a good idea to get too close to some friends. But I suppose it's always a good idea to make more friends than to think about them leaving in the end.
Yesterday was the funeral of my foster grandfather. He had passed away on Monday. I'd just visited him with my family on Sunday afternoon at the hospital, and although I'd say he didn't look well, he certainly didn't seem like he was going to die anytime soon. He had liver cancer, with the tumour being 14cm big. The sad thing is, I didn't get to say goodbye when I left the hospital. My sister was so hungry that she almost fainted (literally. Her blood pressure was extremely low), so I had to bring her to eat at the food court. And it happened so suddenly I didn't say goodbye.
Although I was shocked at the news on Monday, I wasn't particularly sad. I suppose it was because I wasn't really close to him, but even so, I wasn't happy either. I suppose that was kind of "DUH!". Departures are never a happy thing. But I guess things will be different when I go visiting my foster grandmother the next Chinese New Year. I suppose the place will be much quieter and less lively without him around.
Come to think of it, was it really necessary to say goodbye? I am being reminded of LTA Kevin's departure from Charlie. On his last day there, he just disappeared and sent an SMS to the specs to announce his departure, because he hates goodbyes. I suppose it's not a very good feeling to say goodbye, especially when you know that you won't be seeing the person for a very long time to come, or maybe you may never meet again.
I wonder what I will do when my turn comes to say goodbye to Charlie. I won't mention names here, but there are certain specs who've considered extending their ORD so that they can look after the men during Crescendo. But the question is, would the men appreciate such a gesture? I've asked one of the men from his section, whether he will think of his 2IC during Crescendo, think about how nice it would have been to have him there, and he answered that that would be unlikely. I'm not saying my men also feel the same way, but sad to say, either case, I already have my own plans.
I don't know if it's a good idea to say the following on my blog, since I know some of my men read this. When you're too nice to them (at least I think I am), you end up getting too close to them. And unlike the previous few departures, I think this one will be sad.
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Departures are never a happy thing. They may not really be sad, but they certainly won't be happy. Except for those times when I thought "Good riddance!" when someone I don't like leaves. In any case, life is all about meeting new people whom you'll eventually leave, or whom eventually leave you. Which sometimes makes me ponder if it's a good idea to get too close to some friends. But I suppose it's always a good idea to make more friends than to think about them leaving in the end.
Yesterday was the funeral of my foster grandfather. He had passed away on Monday. I'd just visited him with my family on Sunday afternoon at the hospital, and although I'd say he didn't look well, he certainly didn't seem like he was going to die anytime soon. He had liver cancer, with the tumour being 14cm big. The sad thing is, I didn't get to say goodbye when I left the hospital. My sister was so hungry that she almost fainted (literally. Her blood pressure was extremely low), so I had to bring her to eat at the food court. And it happened so suddenly I didn't say goodbye.
Although I was shocked at the news on Monday, I wasn't particularly sad. I suppose it was because I wasn't really close to him, but even so, I wasn't happy either. I suppose that was kind of "DUH!". Departures are never a happy thing. But I guess things will be different when I go visiting my foster grandmother the next Chinese New Year. I suppose the place will be much quieter and less lively without him around.
Come to think of it, was it really necessary to say goodbye? I am being reminded of LTA Kevin's departure from Charlie. On his last day there, he just disappeared and sent an SMS to the specs to announce his departure, because he hates goodbyes. I suppose it's not a very good feeling to say goodbye, especially when you know that you won't be seeing the person for a very long time to come, or maybe you may never meet again.
I wonder what I will do when my turn comes to say goodbye to Charlie. I won't mention names here, but there are certain specs who've considered extending their ORD so that they can look after the men during Crescendo. But the question is, would the men appreciate such a gesture? I've asked one of the men from his section, whether he will think of his 2IC during Crescendo, think about how nice it would have been to have him there, and he answered that that would be unlikely. I'm not saying my men also feel the same way, but sad to say, either case, I already have my own plans.
I don't know if it's a good idea to say the following on my blog, since I know some of my men read this. When you're too nice to them (at least I think I am), you end up getting too close to them. And unlike the previous few departures, I think this one will be sad.
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